I have found my smile again. My depression still comes and goes but things are better. I keep having dreams of Bucky, (my dog.) though. I tried cleaning up the house so I could get my mind off of her. Although, depression seems to make me more lazy. Or at least feel lazy. After cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, I was cleaning the floor and where her food bowl use to be, were still her tiny paw prints on the floor.
It was so hard to wipe them up. I just wanted to leave them there to see her little paw prints. So yesterday was a sad day after cleaning up her paw prints. There is even a blood stain still on the floor where she died that I simply cannot clean up. I just cannot do it. That’s where my little baby died and I don’t want to get rid of it. I probably won’t be able to get it up anyway, my mama is still the all-knowing cleaner around here.. I have much to learn.
Anyway. I have been able to look at positives thanks to an acquaintance of mine. Well, I actually look up to him more like a teacher-of-life. But he is full of wisdom that really just knows how to get through to me. So, I’m ready to open up to a new relationship with a new dog. I really wanted to get a shelter dog but my parents insist on getting a puppy to raise how we want. But in time, I will be able to do as I wish. Actually, I would really love a cat too, but my parents dislike cats.
My parents still have to heal before welcoming a new baby into our lives but I could go for one right away. As much as I love them, it seems like we always have wishes that conflict with one another, but I’m a patient person and I do not mind, not after all they’ve ever done for me.
Change is constant, change is important, so I must accept that. I do feel like it opens up a new chapter in my life. I’ve finally nagged my mother enough to take me to get my driver’s license (Been trying since I was 18.) and I think I will look into school and perhaps become something I’m good at.. Which could be guitarist, artist, vet, nurse, etc. Although that conflicts with my parents again since they do not want me to ever leave home. I couldn’t do that to them anyway, they need me to clean, cut the grass and watch dad while mama works part-time.
But I’m sure something will work out, it always does for me.