So, I’m home from my sister’s again. I am ever so happy, I became very homesick. But I’ve done very well with my new “friends” over there, my sister’s neighbors. They’re so nice and I get to play with their puppy. I also got to walk her, bathe her, train her a little bit and clip her nails. It was great and they really appreciated that I did that.
Now, I wake up with my sister at 7 AM and go over and walk with her neighbor (Jessica) and we all walk with her to take her daughter, Starsha to school and back. I also helped her babysit her cousin’s baby this morning before mama came to pick me up. It was fun. And I adore Starsha, she is so cute but still a little shy. But not everything was so great, I do smoke, and I have to go outside to smoke and that’s how I meet all of the other neighbors. Some of which, I find intimidating. Some of the men, 4 of them, to be exact, would talk to me then ask me if I had a boyfriend, which to me, sends a signal that they’re possibly attracted to me, but I could be wrong so I don’t dwell on it, perhaps they’re just curious. Then I awkwardly explain that no, I’m not into dating, the men are very nice about it and just move on but one of which kind of intimidates me. It’s not the tattoos, I love tattoos, it’s just strange advances I notice. Perhaps I’m just paranoid, but there was a rapist in the area, and while I don’t listen to gossip and such, I was told he was into heavy drugs. Which, I won’t judge him, but common sense tells me I should be more wary of him just in case. Also the strange advances like sitting so close to me outside on the stairs, and the more subconscious ones like how it makes me feel when he looked at me certain ways makes me feel I shouldn’t get too careless.
But anyway. Enough with the personal updates, I would like to share something else. While outside, I spotted something. A monarch butterfly just sitting on the ground. Of course I wanted a closer look but I noticed it wasn’t able to fly. His wings were damaged so I scooped him up in my hands and began talking to him. He crawled all over, he was adorable. I felt such pity because I know he wouldn’t survive very long so I picked some common weeds and let him suck the nectar and took him inside to show my sister. I then, sadly set him back outside to let nature take its course, there was nothing I could do for his wings. But after a while, I started to worry, he was easy prey for the kitties that roamed around so I went back out and decided to keep him till he passed on his own. I placed him in a large bowl with some leaves and gave him some syrup and banana because I wasn’t too sure what else to give him. But he certainly did enjoy it. I decided to name him Tom. I checked on Tom every half hour to say hi to him and see how he was doing. I was very happy. Although, he didn’t seem to happy. He kept trying to get out of the bowl even though I scooped him up by the banana again, he just wanted out.
I didn’t have the heart to leave him outside, rain was on its way and it was going to get very cold. I called mama to ask what I should do. She said to set him free. I’ve already had him for 12 hours and for Tom’s sake, I gave in and accepted I probably should, even though I didn’t want to. I scooped him up again and spoke to Tom about how I’m sorry and said my goodbye. I cried while I placed him in the safest place I could. Then I spent another two hours crying because I couldn’t save him and I left Tom out there all alone. I’m still crying now. I went and checked on him hours later and he was there and safe. I grew on Tom and I regret not saying I loved him before leaving him.
I just had to take a break from writing this to lay with mama and cry about Tom again. I wanted to know why I’m so weird to care for a butterfly so much. But I’m calmer now, still sobbing but at least not crying.
When I picked up Tom. I wasn’t thinking about grieving for him 12 hours later. Why not? -I keep asking myself. I know I would grieve for him so why care so much for such an “insignificant” creature? A dead butterfly shouldn’t mean anymore to me than the bacteria I kill by brushing my teeth everyday. Yet, I became very attached to him and named him. Why wasn’t I more selfish? Just ignore the injured insect to spare myself from the 2 hours I spent crying over him then worrying if I did the right thing.
I didn’t care. I wanted to help Tom. And I’ll do it again. The next time I see an orphaned kitten or a baby bird fallen from its nest, I will step in and try to help. I will nurture, name and love them until it’s time to let them go where ever they may be better off. I question my actions deeply. I know I’m willingly setting myself up for heart-break and perhaps it’s selfish to step in and take mother nature’s place. Maybe it was better off out there alone, what if I’m causing more harm than good?
Is it selfish to spare myself the heart-break and tears? Or is it selfish to step in where I probably do not belong because I want to? I cannot say for sure. There are times I do not jump at the chance to help. Like some baby animals I see all alone. I assume everything is fine and the mama will be back soon and it’s better off not to interfere. But when I feel I should step in, I will and I always will.
Forgive me, I didn’t know my sister had the video running so if your speakers are on, you may hear us in the background. But this is when we were feeding Tom.