Writing before going to bed.

I am proud to say, my tears have stopped. Well, most of the time. I’m in the step of depression at the moment, but it comes and goes. But my “beliefs” some may want to call faith, but my “beliefs” have been what has gotten me through this so far. I’m in process of trying to forget how she died and only try to remember all of the wonderful love and priceless moments that little baby brought me.
I’m even considering getting a new dog. She will never be replaced but there are many other animals that need love and homes too. I’m still sad that I have to live the rest of my life without her but having another innocent dog become my baby will give me something else to live for. I’m very surprised with how well I’ve been taking this.
There are many pet owners that understand what I’m going through and understand that they are just like babies and when you lose your pet, you lose your child. That helps. I am happy that she died here at home, surrounded by all of us, after we told her to stop fighting it and let go, she struggled with it but she took her last breath. I am happy, she was getting old and now she won’t have to suffer from any old age. 9 years was more than enough, I still wish it could have been a lot more but I would do it all over again and again I don’t care what pain is causes me. I know I shouldn’t let the pain get to me, that I could turn it off and not go through it, but it seems healthier to go through the grieving process than to just focus on all the good. I’m doing both and the happiness always prevails through the pain.
It still hurts beyond belief, it was only a week ago she was sleeping in my lap or I was playing with her and I clipped her nails and brushed her teeth. But no walks. I feel bad since I didn’t take her on more walks, she loved them so much.
It may be hard to believe, but sometimes I forget she’s even gone. I see a white glare move in the corner on my glasses from light and I expect it be her or I look up on the couch where she laid and of course she’s not there. I keep getting up to check her water bowl or watching my step out the door to make sure the little brat didn’t try to sneak out the front door again.
That made me smile. She was such a brat, it was adorable. She was so spoiled. I didn’t care how spoiled she was, she was a really, really good dog and she deserved it. Whenever she did do wrong, I had a little box I’d put her in for a minute or two then let her out. It was actually cute seeing her little head poke out of the box like she was just saying “I’m sorry, please let me out and I’ll be good” of course I feel so awful for it now. But I did for her.
I never mistreated that baby except when I was younger and I use to spank her but I learned that was the wrong way to go about it. That all still haunts me, I know it cannot be taken back but oh, how I wish it could.
Today I was looking at dogs online and I seen one that looks exactly like her. Has the same little face and expression as her and I’d kill for her. But I know I cannot replace her and that’s what I’m trying to do with this little dog online. It would be too painful to have that dog online and I’d only disappoint myself. I cannot expect it to be her or act like Bucky and that’s what I’d try to do. That little doggy deserves better than that, for someone to love her as she is. I made myself upset after looking at her. It looked so much like her, that would have passed as a picture of Bucky when she was younger.
It’s really hard to keep her off my mind, I miss her terribly. Now that I’m not crying as much, I can let the raw skin on my face heal. I’ve really been a mess. I just kinda mope around the house, not really wanting to do much of anything. I’ve never been a shopper but mama tried to take me out and buy me things. I wasn’t really interested. Dad took my to the gun range and I did manage to have a lot of fun shooting. But the kind of fun that becomes forgotten instantly when I think of her.
My darling little baby, the light and love of my life, my whole world left me Friday Oct. 19th at 5:47 pm.  But it is a part of life, nothing that isn’t so different from what everyone else will go through. We all experience pain, I’m no different and our pain is quite real.
The important thing is that I do not allow the pain to overwhelm me, Broken Heart Syndrome is very real and I cannot mourn myself to death because I couldn’t do that to my parents, they’ve been through enough. I need to ignore those feelings that bring me discomfort, it’s useless, pain reminds us how good it is to feel happy and I’ve felt enough to remember how nice it is to be happy so any more pain is useless. There is only going forward, and I will have to move on with my life, but I will never ever forget that precious baby that made my life worth every single second of pain I’ve ever felt.
Thank you for reading.

3 thoughts on “Writing before going to bed.

  1. Hey dear, I went through the same thing when I unexpectedly lost my dog earlier this year. We had him since he was a puppy and he was nearing his third birthday when he died. It was by far the most devastating thing I ever went through in my life and the most devastating thing we went through as a family because everyone loved him. He was beautiful and spoiled and naughty but so, so loving and playful. I think about the night he died every single day, even if it’s for a few minutes but I’ve come to accept it. Sometimes, though, when I think too hard about it, I feel tears coming to my eyes. You see, he was to me, invincible. He was so fearless. He wasn’t needy for love. We had to beg him for a hug. He’d come in his own time. That was what I loved about him. He had a mind of his own. But when he came for a hug, it was just the sweetest thing ever. So he wasn’t needy, but the night he got hit by that car, the look he had in his eyes was that of need. There was a helplessness in his eyes that I’m going to remember for the rest of my life. I remember the exact moment he died. What brings me some comfort is that he knew we all adored him. We loved that dog even with all his bad habits. We were petting and stroking his fur and saying kind words to him as his life left him and I know that he had no doubts that these people loved him.

    I’m sorry for telling you this whole story but reading this brought back up everything. Not many people understand what it’s like to lose a dog or to love a dog with your whole heart and then have it shattered to pieces when he/she dies. They’ll tell you, it was just a dog. But he wasn’t just a dog. He was my family, my baby, my little boy. So I totally understand what you’re feeling. What helped me get through the pain was occupying my mind with other things. I had exams to study for so I threw myself into some intense studies. You can try doing some art or start some personal projects to distract you a bit. I see you’re already getting better but getting involved in some new activities will make your heart hurt less. I’m also glad that you’re starting to talk to more people outside of your family. That is amazing and really great news. As a person who used to be really shy, I understand what a big step that is.

    Anyway, I hope that you each day that goes by is better for you and that you grow steadily stronger. It does get better.

    • Dear, I am so sorry for your loss. That’s a truly heart-felt story. You must of really loved him. He must of been such a wonderful dog to have, he may not of had quantity of life but he definitely had quality of it.
      From what I’ve been told, losing a dog is just like losing your child, no doubt in my mind I know that’s true. And my dog was my baby all the way. I’m glad that I found someone that understands, it can be really, really hard to go through such a loss.
      Honestly, I’ve lost my interest in most of the things I did. I can normally play Xbox for about an hour but then I just become depressed. Although, things are getting better.

      Also, do not apologize for telling your story, I felt a connection reading it as do I with all stories involving our little furry friends. I appreciated reading it. Thank you so very much for the comment and your story, it was something I just needed to read.

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