I am proud to say, my tears have stopped. Well, most of the time. I’m in the step of depression at the moment, but it comes and goes. But my “beliefs” some may want to call faith, but my “beliefs” have been what has gotten me through this so far. I’m in process of trying to forget how she died and only try to remember all of the wonderful love and priceless moments that little baby brought me.
I’m even considering getting a new dog. She will never be replaced but there are many other animals that need love and homes too. I’m still sad that I have to live the rest of my life without her but having another innocent dog become my baby will give me something else to live for. I’m very surprised with how well I’ve been taking this.
There are many pet owners that understand what I’m going through and understand that they are just like babies and when you lose your pet, you lose your child. That helps. I am happy that she died here at home, surrounded by all of us, after we told her to stop fighting it and let go, she struggled with it but she took her last breath. I am happy, she was getting old and now she won’t have to suffer from any old age. 9 years was more than enough, I still wish it could have been a lot more but I would do it all over again and again I don’t care what pain is causes me. I know I shouldn’t let the pain get to me, that I could turn it off and not go through it, but it seems healthier to go through the grieving process than to just focus on all the good. I’m doing both and the happiness always prevails through the pain.
It still hurts beyond belief, it was only a week ago she was sleeping in my lap or I was playing with her and I clipped her nails and brushed her teeth. But no walks. I feel bad since I didn’t take her on more walks, she loved them so much.
It may be hard to believe, but sometimes I forget she’s even gone. I see a white glare move in the corner on my glasses from light and I expect it be her or I look up on the couch where she laid and of course she’s not there. I keep getting up to check her water bowl or watching my step out the door to make sure the little brat didn’t try to sneak out the front door again.
That made me smile. She was such a brat, it was adorable. She was so spoiled. I didn’t care how spoiled she was, she was a really, really good dog and she deserved it. Whenever she did do wrong, I had a little box I’d put her in for a minute or two then let her out. It was actually cute seeing her little head poke out of the box like she was just saying “I’m sorry, please let me out and I’ll be good” of course I feel so awful for it now. But I did for her.
I never mistreated that baby except when I was younger and I use to spank her but I learned that was the wrong way to go about it. That all still haunts me, I know it cannot be taken back but oh, how I wish it could.
Today I was looking at dogs online and I seen one that looks exactly like her. Has the same little face and expression as her and I’d kill for her. But I know I cannot replace her and that’s what I’m trying to do with this little dog online. It would be too painful to have that dog online and I’d only disappoint myself. I cannot expect it to be her or act like Bucky and that’s what I’d try to do. That little doggy deserves better than that, for someone to love her as she is. I made myself upset after looking at her. It looked so much like her, that would have passed as a picture of Bucky when she was younger.
It’s really hard to keep her off my mind, I miss her terribly. Now that I’m not crying as much, I can let the raw skin on my face heal. I’ve really been a mess. I just kinda mope around the house, not really wanting to do much of anything. I’ve never been a shopper but mama tried to take me out and buy me things. I wasn’t really interested. Dad took my to the gun range and I did manage to have a lot of fun shooting. But the kind of fun that becomes forgotten instantly when I think of her.
My darling little baby, the light and love of my life, my whole world left me Friday Oct. 19th at 5:47 pm. But it is a part of life, nothing that isn’t so different from what everyone else will go through. We all experience pain, I’m no different and our pain is quite real.
The important thing is that I do not allow the pain to overwhelm me, Broken Heart Syndrome is very real and I cannot mourn myself to death because I couldn’t do that to my parents, they’ve been through enough. I need to ignore those feelings that bring me discomfort, it’s useless, pain reminds us how good it is to feel happy and I’ve felt enough to remember how nice it is to be happy so any more pain is useless. There is only going forward, and I will have to move on with my life, but I will never ever forget that precious baby that made my life worth every single second of pain I’ve ever felt.
Thank you for reading.