Finding Closure.

The other day, Bucky (my dog.) was feeling sick. She was vomiting, had diarrhea , no appetite etc. At first I thought she just got ahold of something she shouldn’t have outside. Besides those things, she acted normal so I didn’t really worry.

The next day, I woke her up and picked her up and noticed her heart rate was very high, and she had rapid breathing. The first thing I thought of was Congestive Heart Failure so I panicked and made a call to the animal hospital. I told myself that it was probably nothing and I was just over-reacting. But we went there, the vet said she was just a little congested and had a simple heart murmur. I trust vets even though I was upset but he said she could live a long life. My poor beloved baby was miserable. The vet said on the phone it’d only be 32 dollars for an exam but it ended up costing us almost 400 dollars. He said he wasn’t really worried so I calmed down and thought she would okay.

Yesterday, she was just awful. I sat up with her forcing water down her with a syringe every half hour then feeding her small amounts of watered down food through the syringe every two hours. I cried a lot because I hated watching her suffer. I knew the day would come when she’d die but you cannot prepare for something like that. I still thought she would be okay, mama called the vet and explained how she was doing but they said she was getting better. Yesterday, I tried holding her still so she would sleep but she wouldn’t. After a while she jumped down and started stumbling. Mama told me to calm down because she was just weak from not eating. She tried hiding in the bathroom but I brought her back out but she went in mama’s room and laid down. I knew what was going to happen.

Mama brought her back out and I tried to give her water and that’s when she collapsed. Blood came from her nose and mouth. The congestion was actually around her heart and it came up through her nose yesterday at about 5pm. It was awful watching that. I told her how sorry I was and to just let go, baby. She looked up and her eyes rolled back in her head. She started twitching and lost function of her bladder and rectum. She kept fighting it as a small puddle of blood laid at her face. I held her up, wrapped her in a towel and she was gone.

I kept her wrapped in the towel and we took turns holding her saying goodbye. I unwrapped her head, she was still warm, I tried closing her eyes but they wouldn’t close. I called my brother-in-law to ask if he would bury her because I couldn’t do it. It was cold and raining, and I just couldn’t put her in the cold ground. Mama put a plastic bag over her still wrapped in the towel with her favorite toy. I couldn’t watch her go in the ground. Since dad had so many strokes and heart attacks I kept it all together only shedding tears while alone and trying to get my parents to calm down.

I lost my baby, the light of my life, the little baby that gave me hope when I had all the depression. When I was home-schooled and was never allowed outside, she was all I had and now I don’t have her anymore. I sat in my room last night looking through her pictures and thought about all the things I did wrong with her and every time I ever punished or scolded her.

I didn’t sleep well and I spent the morning laying in the dirt next to her grave in her beloved backyard and I had her leash with me and remembered how excited she got when I took her for walks. Which I haven’t even done recently. I had just taken a shower and I got dirt, grass and mud all on my hands, face, clothes and even hair. I’m a wreak without her and I don’t know how I’ll carry on without her. I miss her so much. And I’m writing this so maybe it helps me realize she’s gone and find closure. I keep thinking I’ll see her later like if I leave and come back she’ll be at the door to greet me but she won’t. I left the back light on outside cause she was actually afraid of the dark. I feel awful leaving her alone in the cold ground but I know she’s gone. That body isn’t her anymore. I hugged her one last time before she went down and her body was already cold.

But I just can’t bring myself to write anymore and my apologies for any writing errors. I took a bit of her hair and put it in a locket so she’d close to my heart. I know silly this all seems but that was my darling little baby. Now just a bloody, pathetic empty shell of flesh in the cold  ground.

I’m going to go back out with her now. I probably won’t be back on to write anything new for a week or two or more.

Thank you for reading

6 thoughts on “Finding Closure.

  1. Sorry for your loss. I know that’s a weak consolation, but she’s with you a different way now. Don’t limit your views to our physical envelopes. We never really die, we’re everywhere. If you focus on the idea she’s gone, you’re not letting her live within your mind ;-)

    Write again when you feel better. No hurry.

    • Aw, thank you. It’s alright, I know how hard it is to comfort those who have lost someone because there is really nothing a person can say but thank you, I appreciate that a lot. (: I sure hope you’ve been doing well, by the way.

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