Forget everything you’ve ever heard bad about marijuana part II

Alright, this is a following post to my previous post called “Forget everything bad you’ve ever heard about marijuana”, I wrote that while I was very tired and I left out a lot I wanted to add. So first of all, I quit smoking cigarettes, as a 15-year-old girl who thought she knew everything in the world, I honestly believed I could smoke a cigarette and not get addicted. Ignorant, right?
Well, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of but in all honesty, I think a lot about my future and health, even think of death a lot, well not in a depressing way, I actually welcome death one day, just hopefully not anytime soon, I’m only 20. I do not fear dying, I only remain realistic about it. But anyway, back to my point.
Everyone knows the dangers of tobacco yet it’s legal and people smoke it despite the statistics showing that an average 438,000 people per year die just from cigarettes, but it’s legal, who cares right? But people have the right to do how they please I suppose, it’s a free country but only as free as they say.
Now, alcohol, I see nothing all that bad about it IF and only IF it’s used in moderation and a person is responsible and/or mature enough, beer has around 12 or so different minerals and vitamins that could actually benefit certain people, like me for example, however, even just a few drinks already begin to alter a person’s brain waves based on a MRI study I recently read. But if you have a birthday party or wedding, I think it’s okay once in a while to splurge a bit, I personally wouldn’t but with MY health, having about half a beer would be healthy for me since my body kinda wastes away on its own despite my diet which I try to control (I’m doing a horrible job though) and maintain AT LEAST 90 pounds, but I’ve been down to 82. But I’m also short, so I’m not exactly a complete sack of bones, but 20 pounds wouldn’t hurt either. Anyhow, I couldn’t find a complete accurate stat but apparently around 80,000 people are killed by alcohol, rather it’s from driving drunk, alcoholism, alcohol poisoning. Alcohol is a downer, while you may have fun feeling a buzz, it’s still a downer, it can make someone very depressed and make rash choices like putting a bullet in their head or even much worse. Also people like me, on antidepressants and other drugs rather illegal drugs or prescribed, just a little bit can put a person in a coma and kill them. Not to mention alcohol can destroy families and relationships, it can destroy an innocent person’s life, I remember being told about a story that a drunk driver hit a full school bus of children around either Kentucky or Ohio and the driver survived but most of the children did not and their families will suffer for the rest of their lives because of a stranger’s bad mistake.
Marijuana on the other hand, there is not one documented case of marijuana killing anyone, granted perhaps a stoned person was driving and hit someone and killed before, but no one has over dosed on it, destroyed lives like alcohol can. I believe marijuana should be legal BUT with restrictions, like a person cannot operate a vehicle or any machinery while high, cannot smoke or be high during the work place UNLESS they have a medical condition and they have no other choice.
Marijuana never made me upset, I was a happy person with self-control because I don’t smoke a giant blunt by myself, I just need a pinch in a pot pipe and I was good, these days, marijuana is way more potent than it use to be, I don’t like being stoned out of my mind all of the time, maybe late in the night around 9 and I want to just relax, then I would smoke a bit more to calm down because just a few hits makes me wanna clean even more than normal and do all kinds of things, but if I wanted to watch movies, (I have a very short attention span and can never sit still long enough to watch a movie) getting a strong high fixes that problem but on the down side it if I accidentally smoke too much then it can cause a problem, for me anyway, it may not affect everyone like that so that’s why I’ve used it in moderation not just for the high but for the medical benefits.
Honestly, these are just what I have studied and concluded, my facts may not be 100 percent accurate but there is truth to them, I did research as I wrote this just to be sure.
But anyway, I am beginning to get sleepy since I can’t smoke anymore and my insomnia has kept me up yet again, so I hope I shared enough and I also post all about hemp hopefully sometime before Saturday.
Thank you for reading.

Forget everything bad you’ve ever heard about marijuana

Alright, what I want to share is all about marijuana and hemp and the research I have made on it. First of all, forget everything you’ve ever heard about marijuana being bad and whatnot.
From what I’ve concluded is that marijuana is an herb and flower, not any kind of drug what so ever, just a plain plant with chemicals. Remember how you use to hear about marijuana kills your brain cells? –Turns out, it’s just a myth, or in my opinion a conspiracy, turns out, marijuana actually encourages the growth of new cells, marijuana also slows tumor growth, prevents cancer from spreading to other organs.
A recent post I came across was a small toddler with a massive brain tumor and some sort of brain cancer, the doctor prescribed cannabis oil to be put on the toddler pacifier twice a day, a few months later, the tumor was already gone and it’s been about a year or so and the child is cancer free.
Recently I’ve been following some Pro-pot sites and what I’ve researched has been amazing. Hemp fibers are stronger than steel, hemp can be used for food, medicine, rope, clothes, cheap paper and cheap concrete and 100 percent biodegradable fuel. A lot of states have already legalized and/or decriminalized marijuana, and Kentucky I believe is the first to legalize hemp about a week ago.
What we could do and make from hemp would help small and large businesses alike, we wouldn’t have to buy so much from China and other countries and supporting them so we could spend more money here, in the United States where it belongs, less tax payer money would be spent on sending people to jail for nonviolent crimes.
Marijuana has been known to treat over 250 different kinds of illnesses like Crohn’s disease, insomnia, depression, Autism, Controlling ALS symptoms, HIV/AIDS, Glaucoma, Hyperthyroidism, anxiety, fibromyalgia, alzheimers, arthritis, herpes, Cystic Fibrosis, relieves stress and migrane pain, asthma and if smoked, actually cleans the lungs. And those are just a few. There are not any side effects, HOWEVER, everyone reacts differently, so if you have insomnia and it makes you sleepy, it may help with that, if you have dehydration, marijuana can help with that. For example, I use to smoke, I will not lie I’ve smoked with my family and I will share my certain benefits, I have hyperthyroidism and depression, I’m also at high risk for heart disease, cancer, crohn’s disease etc. and with hyperthyroidism, I was very moody, depressed, never ate or gained weight when I did eat, was dehydrated, couldn’t sleep, was depressed, (hyperthyrodism causes depression) and when I smoked, I ate and gained weight, slept well at night, I wouldn’t be as depressed, my mind would stop racing and I wouldn’t be overly hyper, I lose all social anxiety and can speak to people clearly and easily while high. Actually, being high doesn’t make me lazy, it makes me want to get up and go do something without having a racing mind making me too hyper, I use to paint houses with my family back when I smoked and I was very active. But anyway, you CANNOT overdose on marijuana, it would help the economy, treat thousands of suffering patients, it is less dangerous than cigarettes and alcohol, violence would actually decrease a little because most violence has to do the drugs, and surely the most common has to be marijuana, granted there will still be crime from drugs but marijuana is not a drug at all.
I would love to see all of the states and even the world legalize marijuana, at least for medical uses, and I am so sad that it’s possible it’s all covered up in a conspiracy, a lot of senators agree that marijuana should be legalized and EVERYONE can help make a difference, that is why I am sharing this, I feel like as an adult, if alcohol is legal then I should be able to smoke a little weed if I wanted to every once in a while if I need to to keep my healthy, since I quit, I lost all weight, I’m on anti-depressants and those help a lot, but I can still get a little moody, and I can never sleep, once I was awake for 52 hours straight. My poems Morning Star and more than half of my poems shared on here were all written while I was high, this is also how I’ve thought of most of my theories and while high, it was the best time for me to think and take notes on everything and anything I wanted. (that’s how I’m learning and speaking 12 different languages including sign language)
So, I have signed petitions, emailed the white house and every senator in 2 different states so far, informed many people and now I’m sharing it on here so hopefully some people can change their views and perhaps decide to research it themselves.
And for another example of the benefits I’ve witnessed, I will share what my sister has experienced with marijuana. She has Bi-polar disorder, depression, ADHD, treats PMS, Rheumatoid arthritis, when she smokes, she has little to no stomach pain, her mind calms down and she can eat it treats all of her symptoms, ALL of them,if she smoked it every time she felt ill, she could get off all of her medicine and not worry about her liver because she is already wasting away. Now, my sister may have only a few years left to live, at least so says her doctor(s) and she had surgery before winter removing some of her intestines and she almost died and seeing her high is the only time I see my sister not in any physical pain whatsoever and being more mentally stable.
That is all I have to share for now, I hope there are many others like me that support this and help make a change because it’s my hopes to see my sister and mom smoke or eat medical marijuana and see them happier and healthier for how ever long they have to live. I’m asking anyone that agrees to please help support the cause of medical marijuana and they would have no idea how much it would make me happy.
Thank you for reading.

Ghosts?

For people that believe in the paranormal, I have some things I’d like to share. Most, if not all people have experienced some sort of paranormal phenomena at some point in their lives. I myself, have had very, very many. I’m not afraid to share them either. So I will share some of the most memorable.
Once as a child, I woke up in middle of the night to see a large, black figure standing on the side of my bed, I was wide awake, I sat up and looked at it, it didn’t move or say anything, it didn’t look like a man, it had a human figure but it was solid black, I was unafraid and laid back down and went to sleep. It could have been a dream.
Sometimes the phone rings and I know who is calling before I even look at the Call ID. And other times, I can tell when the phone is about to ring before it even does, or I’m thinking about someone and they call a minute afterward. It could all be an unlikely coincidence and it happens all of the time.
As a child around 3 years of age, I use to tell my parents about my past life, I lived in a castle, my mother died and my dad would carry me around on his shoulders, to this day, I do love that time of the world, the knights, castles etc. But I could have simply had a very over active imagination. The only one thing that I could never figure out is how I would cry and tell my mother these exact words, “I tried to get into your belly but they wouldn’t let me”, which these aren’t my biological parents but I’ve been with them for as long as I can remember. Mama says she doesn’t know how I even knew about babies being inside a woman, but it’s possible I’ve seen it on T.V or something else, since I always knew they weren’t my parents but I’ve always called them my mom and dad, perhaps I made the story up for attention.
In our last place, I had the most experience, breezes of cold air, but it was an old house, seeing things out of the corner of my eye, but that was before I got my glasses. One I cannot explain is how we all saw a black and white cat run through the house every few months, there was no way a cat could of gotten in, there was secure windows and doors to the basement and it was a two family house, my aunt and uncle lived on the ground floor and we lived on the top, I do not recall them ever seeing a cat but we did, I often felt it jump up in my bed at night and I would mistake it for being my dog. Even the kneading on my back was clearly felt by the cat. I’d often see a shadow of a young girl in my room from the hallway, my clocks would stop, my music box would play and once my dad even seen a girl walk through the hallway and thought it was me.
There’s just a few of the things that has happened.
Strange how it all happens, but I think I can also explain how some of these things happen, not by providing logical answers like “I was seeing things”, but through science and other possible logical answers, thanks to my obsession with subatomic physics and the super-string theory, we all apparently exist in ten or more dimensions at different points in time and these subatomic particles can pass through these dimensions from the past, present and future and interfere with our everyday lives, that could possibly be the cause of some of the paranormal.
But I could be wrong, I was simply thinking about it for a short time since there’s been some odd things happening around here lately. But that is simply a theory, it could all be in my head or my over-active imagination or I could be down right mad, or it is very possible that it is all real and we have yet to find a better reason to explain it. Either way, it’s best to keep the mind open because in such a strange universe, you never know what can happen.

Greetings everyone.

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It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I needed some time away from this or every post I’d write would have been about Bucky. I still miss her, I still cry a lot, I go through her photos all of the time, I relive her dying in my arms and the helpless look in her eyes before they rolled back in her head. But it’s time to slowly learn to live without her now, even though sometimes I still call out her name. I have a new puppy now, I’ve had him for almost two months, his name is Rosco, he’s a pomeranian. Having Rosco helps bring back happiness, it brings back my smile. He’s 4 months old now and he is adorable, I absolutely love him. Although, it doesn’t help any heartache from Bucky, all it does is help keep my mind off of her more but I guess that’s the whole point.

I’m sure everyone knows of the Newtown tradegy, human brains are often only hardwired to feel so much empathy, but I’m sure it touched almost everyone that can feel empathy. To be honest, I didn’t feel much pain for the victims, but my heart went out to the families of the victims, especailly the parents, I cried for them, even though Bucky was a dog, I still loved her as if she were my child and maybe I still cannot grasp their pain fully because she wasn’t my child and I didn’t have that same bond with her as I would my own child but I have learned that losing a child is one thing no parent should ever have to go through. I just thought I’d mention that because I was deeply sadend by the massacre.

But I’ll leave this with a happier ending, I’ll share a few things with Rosco in case anyone cares. I’ll start with something kind of humorous, Rosco is most attachted to me, he has become my total, complete shadow. It’s cute, although I cannot even go to the bathroom by myself anymore, even if I take a shower, he has to sit in the bathroom. He has to sleep with me everynight, but pomeranians tend to have “floating kneecaps” so I sleep on the floor with him so he doesn’t jump off my bed, although lately I’ve been putting a lot of pillows and blankets on the side of my bed so he can jump safely and we’ve been in my bed the last few nights, that seems to be best, at least for me (haha) I like my bed. I made a promise to myself that I’ve been keeping too. I felt really guilty for all the times Bucky came to me for attention and I ignored her because I was too busy doing something else, so I promised I wouldn’t take Rosco for granted like I did to her sometimes. Bucky left little scratches on my door from her nails when she wanted me and I ignored her so it’s a constant reminder. I give Rosco all of the attention he wants, mama says that it will spoil him but he is the baby now and I don’t see anything wrong if he gets a little spoiled, mama says I’m also too easy on him, I’m not stern enough. I kinda think it’s psycological because I was always very stern with Bucky and maybe I feel bad for that and I don’t do it with him. I kind of see Rosco as a chance to make up for all the things I did wrong with Bucky. Although, I can never know for sure which is right and wrong in this situtaion, all I can do is assume what is best for him. I do scold him when he does wrong like chewing on stuff other than his toys but mama says scolding isn’t always enough and there needs to be a form of punishment. I was thinking of a “time out” spot for him. With Bucky, I put her in a big box for a few minutes and let her out, I didn’t close the box of course, but it was just a spot where she was away from everyone and I thought it did well and maybe I should do that with him too. I just am not sure if it’s a “cruel” form of punishment. I don’t think it seems that way but I don’t fully understand the mind of a dog and I don’t want to do anything that will harm his mind or well-being.

But anyway, Rosco is a character, he is the total opposite of Bucky, which I find fun, he likes to chase his tail and he’ll chase it until he’s dizzy, he loves to play! Bucky played once in a while but she was more lovey, Rosco is very lovey too but he likes to play all the time, I taught him how to play fetch, he also likes tug-of-war. You know, pomeranians are known to be yappy dogs and Rosco doesn’t really yap, in fact he hardly barks unless he’s playing with a toy. Maybe I’m just lucky or it’s because he’s still a puppy. Either way, I love him no matter what.

I also taught him his first command this week, he knows how to “sit” and I feed him 3 times a day but he doesn’t get any food until he sits for me, I also do not praise him unless he sits down right away because I don’t wanna give praise out too much or it will be meaningless. I also brush his teeth often, he doesn’t even mind, he’ll even let me open up his mouth and brush every tooth. I did that Bucky but she didn’t like it a lot, but I didn’t start brushing her teeth until she was older, so since Rosco is so young, this is the best time to start everything. The only thing he hates is when I clip his nails or check his ears. He really hates having his nails clipped and he shows teeth and tries to bite, although his puppy teeth are really sharp and kind of hurt, I’m not letting him think aggression works, so even though he bit me a few times, I still kept clipping his nails and he eventually gave in, I had to tie a bandana around his face though so he couldn’t see me and it helped calm him down but I got every nail clipped short, his nails are black so it’s hard to see the quick but I did a good job, I can say so myself. Besides, I couldn’t really scold him for biting me like that, I probably hit the nerve endings by the quick and hurt him so I didn’t yell, instead I calmly hushed him and kept going.

Well, anyway, I just thought I’d come back on here and share what’s going on with me in case anyone was wondering how I was doing. I apologize for just leaving this site for while without a post to let everyone know I was going to be away. But I sure hope everyone else is doing well, I’ve missed being on here and reading everyones posts.

Good day, friends.

I thought I’d share more personal things.

I have found my smile again. My depression still comes and goes but things are better. I keep having dreams of Bucky, (my dog.) though. I tried cleaning up the house so I could get my mind off of her. Although, depression seems to make me more lazy. Or at least feel lazy. After cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, I was cleaning the floor and where her food bowl use to be, were still her tiny paw prints on the floor.

It was so hard to wipe them up. I just wanted to leave them there to see her little paw prints. So yesterday was a sad day after cleaning up her paw prints. There is even a blood stain still on the floor where she died that I simply cannot clean up. I just cannot do it. That’s where my little baby died and I don’t want to get rid of it. I probably won’t be able to get it up anyway, my mama is still the all-knowing cleaner around here.. I have much to learn.

Anyway. I have been able to look at positives thanks to an acquaintance of mine. Well, I actually look up to him more like a teacher-of-life. But he is full of wisdom that really just knows how to get through to me. So, I’m ready to open up to a new relationship with a new dog. I really wanted to get a shelter dog but my parents insist on getting a puppy to raise how we want. But in time, I will be able to do as I wish. Actually, I would really love a cat too, but my parents dislike cats.

My parents still have to heal before welcoming a new baby into our lives but I could go for one right away. As much as I love them, it seems like we always have wishes that conflict with one another, but I’m a patient person and I do not mind, not after all they’ve ever done for me.

Change is constant, change is important, so I must accept that. I do feel like it opens up a new chapter in my life. I’ve finally nagged my mother enough to take me to get my driver’s license (Been trying since I was 18.) and I think I will look into school and perhaps become something I’m good at.. Which could be guitarist, artist, vet, nurse, etc. Although that conflicts with my parents again since they do not want me to ever leave home. I couldn’t do that to them anyway, they need me to clean, cut the grass and watch dad while mama works part-time.

But I’m sure something will work out, it always does for me.

 

Writing before going to bed.

I am proud to say, my tears have stopped. Well, most of the time. I’m in the step of depression at the moment, but it comes and goes. But my “beliefs” some may want to call faith, but my “beliefs” have been what has gotten me through this so far. I’m in process of trying to forget how she died and only try to remember all of the wonderful love and priceless moments that little baby brought me.
I’m even considering getting a new dog. She will never be replaced but there are many other animals that need love and homes too. I’m still sad that I have to live the rest of my life without her but having another innocent dog become my baby will give me something else to live for. I’m very surprised with how well I’ve been taking this.
There are many pet owners that understand what I’m going through and understand that they are just like babies and when you lose your pet, you lose your child. That helps. I am happy that she died here at home, surrounded by all of us, after we told her to stop fighting it and let go, she struggled with it but she took her last breath. I am happy, she was getting old and now she won’t have to suffer from any old age. 9 years was more than enough, I still wish it could have been a lot more but I would do it all over again and again I don’t care what pain is causes me. I know I shouldn’t let the pain get to me, that I could turn it off and not go through it, but it seems healthier to go through the grieving process than to just focus on all the good. I’m doing both and the happiness always prevails through the pain.
It still hurts beyond belief, it was only a week ago she was sleeping in my lap or I was playing with her and I clipped her nails and brushed her teeth. But no walks. I feel bad since I didn’t take her on more walks, she loved them so much.
It may be hard to believe, but sometimes I forget she’s even gone. I see a white glare move in the corner on my glasses from light and I expect it be her or I look up on the couch where she laid and of course she’s not there. I keep getting up to check her water bowl or watching my step out the door to make sure the little brat didn’t try to sneak out the front door again.
That made me smile. She was such a brat, it was adorable. She was so spoiled. I didn’t care how spoiled she was, she was a really, really good dog and she deserved it. Whenever she did do wrong, I had a little box I’d put her in for a minute or two then let her out. It was actually cute seeing her little head poke out of the box like she was just saying “I’m sorry, please let me out and I’ll be good” of course I feel so awful for it now. But I did for her.
I never mistreated that baby except when I was younger and I use to spank her but I learned that was the wrong way to go about it. That all still haunts me, I know it cannot be taken back but oh, how I wish it could.
Today I was looking at dogs online and I seen one that looks exactly like her. Has the same little face and expression as her and I’d kill for her. But I know I cannot replace her and that’s what I’m trying to do with this little dog online. It would be too painful to have that dog online and I’d only disappoint myself. I cannot expect it to be her or act like Bucky and that’s what I’d try to do. That little doggy deserves better than that, for someone to love her as she is. I made myself upset after looking at her. It looked so much like her, that would have passed as a picture of Bucky when she was younger.
It’s really hard to keep her off my mind, I miss her terribly. Now that I’m not crying as much, I can let the raw skin on my face heal. I’ve really been a mess. I just kinda mope around the house, not really wanting to do much of anything. I’ve never been a shopper but mama tried to take me out and buy me things. I wasn’t really interested. Dad took my to the gun range and I did manage to have a lot of fun shooting. But the kind of fun that becomes forgotten instantly when I think of her.
My darling little baby, the light and love of my life, my whole world left me Friday Oct. 19th at 5:47 pm.  But it is a part of life, nothing that isn’t so different from what everyone else will go through. We all experience pain, I’m no different and our pain is quite real.
The important thing is that I do not allow the pain to overwhelm me, Broken Heart Syndrome is very real and I cannot mourn myself to death because I couldn’t do that to my parents, they’ve been through enough. I need to ignore those feelings that bring me discomfort, it’s useless, pain reminds us how good it is to feel happy and I’ve felt enough to remember how nice it is to be happy so any more pain is useless. There is only going forward, and I will have to move on with my life, but I will never ever forget that precious baby that made my life worth every single second of pain I’ve ever felt.
Thank you for reading.

Just writing.

Things are slowly getting better. I think. Daddy is taking Bucky’s death really hard. She was the baby of us and we all knew it, including her. I keep dreaming of her and sometimes it seems like she’s still around.

Yesterday, I walked into the kitchen and looked where her food bowl use to be and expected it to be there. I keep looking on the couch, expecting her to be there , looking out the window as she always did. The other day was really tough, mama made me give away all her things. One good thing has happened, since she passed, I no longer have social issues, although it’s hard to keep it all together. I spoke to our neighbor, about her death and gave her all of Bucky’s food, leash, etc. I’ve spoken on the phone, to strangers, family everything with no problem.

People tried to tell me, it’s just a dog. But she wasn’t. I always felt she was like my baby and I treated her like one. I use to hold her and sing a lullaby to her and she’d fall asleep in my arms. I use to talk to her and her little head would tilt to the side and she’d just look at me like she understood everything I said. I miss how she’d scratch on my door to come in, or if was just opened slightly, she’d push it open and walk in with me. I miss how she’d stick her little nose under the door if I was too busy to let her in, I miss how she’d roll on her back and stay there till I rubbed her belly. I miss her little howls when she wanted attention.

I spent most of the day yesterday outside laying next to  her grave, I thought I got a sunburn, but I didn’t. I was out there for a little while before I started writing this, just trying to feel close to her again. We put a big rock over her grave to be sure no coyotes tried digging her up and today I took a marker and wrote her name on it and put little hearts and such.

I’m grateful for the nine years of pure love and happiness she gave all of us. I’ve been going through her pictures, just thinking about all the things I shouldn’t have done with her.

I can think about her a lot and not be upset, but when I recall watching her suffer and die, I lose it. The vet knew and he didn’t tell us. Even I knew from the beginning it was Congestive Heart Failure but he told us she would be fine, I trusted him over myself. But I knew she was going to die. I was thinking last night, the way she was twitching before letting go, I figured that was because no oxygen was getting to her brain and her frontal lobe was being damaged. I knew when I checked her gums the day before and they looked blue, she was dying but I told myself I was wrong and being over-protective and worried as I always was with her.

This place feels so empty and lonely. I loved that dog more than I loved myself or even my parents. She was like my child and I lost my child.

She was so pathetic looking before she died. She started losing weight already, she had food all over her from when I force-fed her, you could see in her eyes how they lost those bright stars, she never looked so old and I could see she was miserable.

I have a locket in the shape of a heart and I put a bit of her hair in there so I can have something of hers.

Writing about this helps me feel better. So thank you to anyone that has read it.

Finding Closure.

The other day, Bucky (my dog.) was feeling sick. She was vomiting, had diarrhea , no appetite etc. At first I thought she just got ahold of something she shouldn’t have outside. Besides those things, she acted normal so I didn’t really worry.

The next day, I woke her up and picked her up and noticed her heart rate was very high, and she had rapid breathing. The first thing I thought of was Congestive Heart Failure so I panicked and made a call to the animal hospital. I told myself that it was probably nothing and I was just over-reacting. But we went there, the vet said she was just a little congested and had a simple heart murmur. I trust vets even though I was upset but he said she could live a long life. My poor beloved baby was miserable. The vet said on the phone it’d only be 32 dollars for an exam but it ended up costing us almost 400 dollars. He said he wasn’t really worried so I calmed down and thought she would okay.

Yesterday, she was just awful. I sat up with her forcing water down her with a syringe every half hour then feeding her small amounts of watered down food through the syringe every two hours. I cried a lot because I hated watching her suffer. I knew the day would come when she’d die but you cannot prepare for something like that. I still thought she would be okay, mama called the vet and explained how she was doing but they said she was getting better. Yesterday, I tried holding her still so she would sleep but she wouldn’t. After a while she jumped down and started stumbling. Mama told me to calm down because she was just weak from not eating. She tried hiding in the bathroom but I brought her back out but she went in mama’s room and laid down. I knew what was going to happen.

Mama brought her back out and I tried to give her water and that’s when she collapsed. Blood came from her nose and mouth. The congestion was actually around her heart and it came up through her nose yesterday at about 5pm. It was awful watching that. I told her how sorry I was and to just let go, baby. She looked up and her eyes rolled back in her head. She started twitching and lost function of her bladder and rectum. She kept fighting it as a small puddle of blood laid at her face. I held her up, wrapped her in a towel and she was gone.

I kept her wrapped in the towel and we took turns holding her saying goodbye. I unwrapped her head, she was still warm, I tried closing her eyes but they wouldn’t close. I called my brother-in-law to ask if he would bury her because I couldn’t do it. It was cold and raining, and I just couldn’t put her in the cold ground. Mama put a plastic bag over her still wrapped in the towel with her favorite toy. I couldn’t watch her go in the ground. Since dad had so many strokes and heart attacks I kept it all together only shedding tears while alone and trying to get my parents to calm down.

I lost my baby, the light of my life, the little baby that gave me hope when I had all the depression. When I was home-schooled and was never allowed outside, she was all I had and now I don’t have her anymore. I sat in my room last night looking through her pictures and thought about all the things I did wrong with her and every time I ever punished or scolded her.

I didn’t sleep well and I spent the morning laying in the dirt next to her grave in her beloved backyard and I had her leash with me and remembered how excited she got when I took her for walks. Which I haven’t even done recently. I had just taken a shower and I got dirt, grass and mud all on my hands, face, clothes and even hair. I’m a wreak without her and I don’t know how I’ll carry on without her. I miss her so much. And I’m writing this so maybe it helps me realize she’s gone and find closure. I keep thinking I’ll see her later like if I leave and come back she’ll be at the door to greet me but she won’t. I left the back light on outside cause she was actually afraid of the dark. I feel awful leaving her alone in the cold ground but I know she’s gone. That body isn’t her anymore. I hugged her one last time before she went down and her body was already cold.

But I just can’t bring myself to write anymore and my apologies for any writing errors. I took a bit of her hair and put it in a locket so she’d close to my heart. I know silly this all seems but that was my darling little baby. Now just a bloody, pathetic empty shell of flesh in the cold  ground.

I’m going to go back out with her now. I probably won’t be back on to write anything new for a week or two or more.

Thank you for reading

Me and Bucky.

Bucky had a hair cut and today she is getting a bath! I clipped her nails, which need to be clipped again since the quick was too long so they weren’t clipped short enough but the quick should be shorter now. She is going to be brushed and I’m going to brush her teeth afterwards and she will the sexiest little dog in Indiana.

She had a birthday last month, it’s hard to believe she’s 64 in doggy years. She still looks like that little baby puppy in the face. But before she gets her bath I’m going to surprise her with the magic words, “bye-bye”.  Yep, she loves going for walks. She is my baby. I do not care what anyone says, pets are like your children. And this doggy is definitely my baby.

Anyway, I have to go clean up and make coffee for mama and daddy. But here’s a little something from her last bath that might make you giggle.

Meaning.

The meaning of existence isn’t so palpable. Why are we here? –An all too common question. One that isn’t going to answer itself. But one could objurgate that the answer varies. But what is the main reason? If there’s any reason at all, that is.

Does it matter? Trying to figure it out isn’t going to do anything but make my brain hurt. All I do is curiously tilt my head in wonder and ponder about why I even try to figure it out. But asking these questions is fun, even without the answers. How am I to know that I even exist? How do I know that anything is real? But who cares? I chose to believe that I exist and so does everything else.

Life is simply inscrutable. Life is a video game leaving most people without cheats and everyone without start overs. There’s always challenges and battles with some goal at the end. Yet some people find glitches. Maybe they’re in a horrible accident leaving them paralyzed or they have a mental illness.

I’m not really going anywhere with this, just basically thinking out loud. But as I watch the world move around me, I find it harder and harder to imagine there is no meaning to life. Despite the lack of answers, there must be something going on we’re not all aware of.

At the moment, I’m taking time to just be grateful for everything I do and do not have. Something I probably don’t do often enough. Oh, how grateful I am to just be able to walk, see, speak and feel love from my family. My cousin I mentioned before with having cancer passed away last week and I’m taking extra time to be grateful for the lives that aren’t gone yet.

We all think we have all the time in the world, that we will live a long full life, fall in love and have children. But I could be killed tomorrow without ever having done anything in my life. There’s always that ominous voice in our heads telling us to do something with our lives.

What do I want? I want to hold a bird in my hand, I want to feed apples to a horse, I want to save the lives of animals and love them. Anyone who knows me, knows that animals are my everything. They know I have some sort of “gift” with animals.

That could be the meaning of my life, but not all of existence. I guess no one will really know, but perhaps that’s not such a bad thing.

Tom the butterfly.

So, I’m home from my sister’s again. I am ever so happy, I became very homesick. But I’ve done very well with my new “friends” over there, my sister’s neighbors. They’re so nice and I get to play with their puppy. I also got to walk her, bathe her, train her a little bit and clip her nails. It was great and they really appreciated that I did that.

Now, I wake up with my sister at 7 AM and go over and walk with her neighbor (Jessica) and we all walk with her to take her daughter, Starsha to school and back. I also helped her babysit her cousin’s baby this morning before mama came to pick me up. It was fun. And I adore Starsha, she is so cute but still a little shy. But not everything was so great, I do smoke, and I have to go outside to smoke and that’s how I meet all of the other neighbors. Some of which, I find intimidating. Some of the men, 4 of them, to be exact, would talk to me then ask me if I had a boyfriend, which to me, sends a signal that they’re possibly attracted to me, but I could be wrong so I don’t dwell on it, perhaps they’re just curious. Then I awkwardly explain that no, I’m not into dating, the men are very nice about it and just move on but one of which kind of intimidates me. It’s not the tattoos, I love tattoos, it’s just strange advances I notice. Perhaps I’m just paranoid, but there was a rapist in the area, and while I don’t listen to gossip and such, I was told he was into heavy drugs. Which, I won’t judge him, but common sense tells me I should be more wary of him just in case. Also the strange advances like sitting so close to me outside on the stairs, and the more subconscious ones like how it makes me feel when he looked at me certain ways makes me feel I shouldn’t get too careless.

But anyway. Enough with the personal updates, I would like to share something else. While outside, I spotted something. A monarch butterfly just sitting on the ground. Of course I wanted a closer look but I noticed it wasn’t able to fly. His wings were damaged so I scooped him up in my hands and began talking to him. He crawled all over, he was adorable. I felt such pity because I know he wouldn’t survive very long so I picked some common weeds and let him suck the nectar and took him inside to show my sister. I then, sadly set him back outside to let nature take its course, there was nothing I could do for his wings. But after a while, I started to worry, he was easy prey for the kitties that roamed around so I went back out and decided to keep him till he passed on his own. I placed him in a large bowl with some leaves and gave him some syrup and banana because I wasn’t too sure what else to give him. But he certainly did enjoy it. I decided to name him Tom. I checked on Tom every half hour to say hi to him and see how he was doing. I was very happy. Although, he didn’t seem to happy. He kept trying to get out of the bowl even though I scooped him up by the banana again, he just wanted out.

I didn’t have the heart to leave him outside, rain was on its way and it was going to get very cold. I called mama to ask what I should do. She said to set him free. I’ve already had him for 12 hours and for Tom’s sake, I gave in and accepted I probably should, even though I didn’t want to. I scooped him up again and spoke to Tom about how I’m sorry and said my goodbye. I cried while I placed him in the safest place I could. Then I spent another two hours crying because I couldn’t save him and I left Tom out there all alone. I’m still crying now. I went and checked on him hours later and he was there and safe. I grew on Tom and I regret not saying I loved him before leaving him.

I just had to take a break from writing this to lay with mama and cry about Tom again. I wanted to know why I’m so weird to care for a butterfly so much. But I’m calmer now, still sobbing but at least not crying.

When I picked up Tom. I wasn’t thinking about grieving for him 12 hours later. Why not? -I keep asking myself. I know I would grieve for him so why care so much for such an “insignificant” creature? A dead butterfly shouldn’t mean anymore to me than the bacteria I kill by brushing my teeth everyday. Yet, I became very attached to him and named him. Why wasn’t I more selfish? Just ignore the injured insect to spare myself from the 2 hours I spent crying over him then worrying if I did the right thing.

I didn’t care. I wanted to help Tom. And I’ll do it again. The next time I see an orphaned kitten or a baby bird fallen from its nest, I will step in and try to help. I will nurture, name and love them until it’s time to let them go where ever they may be better off. I question my actions deeply. I know I’m willingly setting myself up for heart-break and perhaps it’s selfish to step in and take mother nature’s place. Maybe it was better off out there alone, what if I’m causing more harm than good?

Is it selfish to spare myself the heart-break and tears? Or is it selfish to step in where I probably do not belong because I want to? I cannot say for sure. There are times I do not jump at the chance to help. Like some baby animals I see all alone. I assume everything is fine and the mama will be back soon and it’s better off not to interfere. But when I feel I should step in, I will and I always will.

Forgive me, I didn’t know my sister had the video running so if your speakers are on, you may hear us in the background. But this is when we were feeding Tom.

http://youtu.be/di66mqssN9A

Me and animals.

I must learn to say no to my sister. Or else, I’ll be living over there. She’s coming over to kidnap me again tomorrow. I JUST GOT HOME FROM THERE. I cannot help it. She has this power over me and I lose all ability to say no. Darn her, she does the exact same thing I do if she doesn’t get something she really wants, she pouts.

Gah, now I know how I make my parents feel when I start pouting.

But it isn’t so bad. I actually met their neighbors. I really didn’t say a whole lot to them since it was awkward for me but when I saw their pit bull puppy, I became their best friends. We even traded Xbox games. Now I have Halo. I mostly talked to them about how to train their new puppy and how it’s important to socialize her. Then of course, any other neighbor’s that had pets, I spoke to. So all a person needs apparently is an animal for me to not feel awkward and speak to them with complete eye contact.

Neighbor: “careful, he tries to nip.”

Me: “I don’t see any aggression in his body language, he’s just acting like a big baby.”

Doggy jumps in my lap and kisses me.

Me: “Aww, you’re just a big baby boy, aren’t you.”

Neighbor: “He normally tries to nip at strangers, but he’s acting like a puppy right now.”

Yes, it’s true. I have this power over animals and they just love me haha. I remember back at my old place in Indiana, I’d have apples, I love apples and I’d take a walk by the woods and sometimes deer would come out and actually take apple slices straight from my hand. I never called them towards me so I’m guessing they were tame deer.

Normally I wouldn’t do that with a wild animal but it was so surreal to me, I let them take the apples, I never touched the deer though. I just went on my merry way. Although, I wish I could do that again, it was just so heart warming to me to be with an animal most people can never get close to and have it eating out of my hand.

Oh, if only I could see all of those little animals I’ve saved before. So many baby birds, kittens and bunnies I fed every four hours to save. I even lost some. I remember an orphan bunny I found at the cemetery years ago, it was so tiny. No way it would have survived. At first, I thought the mama bunny would be back for it but when I found a dead bunny by the road, I chose to take the little baby. For 2 months, I took care of her till I went back to the cemetery to release her. It was heart breaking, the way she tried to follow me back to the car. But it was for the best.

Anyway. I really need to clean my room before I have to leave again tomorrow. I just cleaned my walls and everything on the walls so now I have to clean everything else and hopefully shampoo my carpet again before I have to leave. I wish I had to more time to brain storm on an interesting blog I could have posted but at least I got to post something.

Thank you for reading.

Once again, I am back home. I was tricked into staying another few days with my sister. Now, no matter what, I will NOT be tricked into going back for a while. I’ve missed being home with my guitars, parents, dog, plants and just simply the comfort of home that no other house can compare to.

And to whom it concerns, I did not go on a date like my sister wanted me to with this Jake fellow. I still feel the pressure from her and Matt so I’m just building up courage and confidence. Only one date. It’s not a big deal, right? I could just pretend we’re hanging out. Or something.

I don’t know. The word “date” makes it all the more uncomfortable. Perhaps I should say that instead of “date” we hang out and play Xbox. I am not comfortable with getting dressed up “cute” and have all of that attention on me. I’m fine with my Korn tee-shirt and jeans I’m wearing now while playing games. Mama and Miranda would push me to get all “dolled up” in make-up and a dress and have him take me to lunch or dinner then movie. That would be so boring. I can amuse myself more with my light up yoyo or paddle ball than a movie. Unless it’s a totally awesome movie like Snow White (the Disney one), or any other good Disney movie.

Oh well, I’m thinking too much about it.

Anyway, I’m working on a few ideas for something a bit more interesting to post instead of this. So I’m going to end this here then go write short stories then come up with something later.

Thank you for reading.

Awkward conversation with my sister. Help!

Dad: Sarah! Your sister is on the phone and wants to talk to you!

Me: I hate talking on the phone! *whines jokingly*

Dad: Come talk to your sister!

Me. Ugh. Yes sir.

Miranda: Hi, seester!

Me: Hiiii!

Miranda: Go to your room so grandpa can’t hear us.

Me: Why?

Miranda: *giggles* Just do it.

Me: Okie dokie lokie.

Me: Okay. What now?

Miranda: Guess what?

Me: Most toilets flush in E flat?

Miranda: ..Huh? What?.. No. I know someone that likes you.

Me: A friend?

Miranda: Yes, he said he likes you.

Me: Oh. You don’t mean as a friend?

Miranda: What do you mean?

Me: I thought you meant someone likes me as a friend.

Miranda: You don’t have any friends.

Me: Heather.

Miranda: Only because she lives so far away and she doesn’t have to put up with you all the time. *jokingly*

Me: Valid point.

Miranda: It’s Jake, remember him?

Me: Yes? So?

Miranda: So, have him take you out on a date!

Me: Um. No.. That’s okay. I’ll just stay here.

Miranda: Why not! Don’t you like him?

Me: Sure, I suppose, he’s nice and funny.

Miranda: Well, don’t you want a boy-toy? He could be your lover!

Me: You’re strange.

Miranda: Coming from the person that has conversations with spiders and plays with toys.

Me: Shouldn’t you be in the kitchen? Cleaning or taking care of your man? *joking*

Miranda: I could see you meeting Jake now. *acts like me* Oh, hi Jakey-wakey. Do wanna play with MY Xbox?

Me: That makes no sense!

Miranda: Are you gonna date him?! You two would look so cute together!

Me: He makes fun of my voice.

Miranda: Because he thinks it’s cute!

Me: He said I sound like a mouse!

Miranda: *laughs* Because it’s cute!

Me: *I start to stutter, it happens once in a while* Wh-why are you concerned with my my love life?

Miranda: Because you don’t have a love life.

Me: What’s wrong with that?

Miranda: Because you let your shyness get in the way of everything.

Me: It’s awkwardness, I’m not shy. And I’m working on that.

Miranda: *acts like me again* Oh, Miranda, will order for me, I’m too shy to speak to the waitress myself.

Me: That’s because last time I ordered to her, she went on about my voice. And I didn’t say that!

Miranda: Everyone says something about your voice!

Me: Ugh, I knowww.

Miranda: Let him take you on a date. Please, for me anyway? I think it’ll really help you!

Me: Wouldn’t that be leading him on? Just doing it so it may help me? That’s not very nice.

Miranda: I didn’t mean like that! You said you liked him.

Me: As a friend.

Miranda: You don’t like him that way?

Me: I dunno. I don’t really know his personality.

Miranda: Do you think he’s cute?

Me: In a puppy dog sort of way, sure.

Miranda: Don’t you like anyone?

Me: I don’t gossip about that sort of thing.

Miranda: It isn’t gossip!

Miranda: Jake has a farm.

Me: A farm?? Really? Does he have animals?

Miranda: I don’t know. I can ask.

Me: Um. No, that’s okay.

Miranda: No, hold on, I’ll ask him right now.

Me: Nooo.

Miranda: Just give it a shot. Please, just to see if you like him. He’s really a great person.

Me: I don’t wanna be hooked up with anyone.

Miranda: Just try it, pleaaaassse. I’m only trying to help.

Me: Beni benimle birak. (leave me alone.)

Miranda: No! Just one date. You may really like him.

Me: Ugh. *sigh* What if I don’t like him like that? I don’t want to hurt him.

Miranda: It’s better to hurt him for only a little bit than never giving him a chance.

Me: Really?

Miranda: Yes.

Me: But it seems so mean.

Miranda: No it’s not! It’s life!

Me: I guess that if I don’t like him or vice versa then it simply isn’t supposed to be that way.

Miranda: Exactly. So give him a shot, he really likes you.

Me: You know, I’ll only say yes because you will never stop bugging me about it. Besides, it may be fun. Maybe. Hopefully. Oh.. I don’t know, maybe I should just stay here…

Miranda: Nooo! It’ll be fun, please please please pleeeaaaseeee. *very dramatic please*

Me: *sigh* If it means that much to you. Alright.

Miranda: Yay! just one date, he doesn’t need to be your boyfriend or anything.

Me: Okay, I’ll just have to say that it’s nothing serious, just giving it a shot in case I do end up liking him.

Miranda: He’s sexy, how could you not?

Me: Looks are about as meaningful as the dirty pair of socks your husband likes to throw at me.

Miranda: Haha. You can hit him for that!

Me: That’s mean. I’ll stick to just mooning him haha.

Miranda: Hahaha. I’ll let you go then! Just next time you come over, you can call Jake! Okay? Ich liebe dich!

Me: I hate talking on the phone. Ich liebe dich auch. Bye!

I normally don’t ask for advice. But I’m not into dating quite yet, I’m working on my awkwardness and other things right now. But does this seem like a good idea? Or does it seem kinda mean? I thought I should only go on a date if I want to. Not because my sister bound and gagged me put a gun to my head and said “DATE HIM”.

I can’t help but think this feels a little wrong, but who knows, I may end up liking him. But if I’m not ready, this may do more harm than good. I don’t know what to think. The thing feels very confusing. Help?

Just thinking again.

Is there really any point to life? One may say, absolutely, are you nuts?! Others may say, the point is to die. Even more say that is just simply to live and enjoy life. I like to think of life as a giant video game, that we’re all a giant simulation, being told what to do by something pressing a bunch of buttons. Sometimes I take things too seriously, other times, I take nothing as serious. Life reminds me of babysitting. Tending to the needs of our body, because just like a baby, we cannot expect our skin to just pop off and go bathe itself, or have our stomaches take a little joy ride by its self to get food. No, we have to do it ourselves.

Life is unfair. But life is unfair for everyone, which makes it fair. I am optimistic and ebullient, rather there is any point to life, it doesn’t matter to me at all. I often ponder about what makes life so great for me. Although I can disport myself, it is immediately forgotten. Was there really any point to it? The small things make me wonder. I believe that there are many purposes and none at all. I bet you’re wondering how it can be both.

Just like my own theory on time, I believe that it does exist and that it doesn’t exist. Time is just a word to me, to describe the minutes, hours and years. But do I believe that time is actually real? Yes and no. I believe that since the world moves around us that we’re constantly in motion even when not a single muscle is flinched. We are constantly being thrown into new dimensions that are taking place at different moments. That is time. Time as we all perceive isn’t real to me, every moment in “time”, past, present, future are all taking place at this very moment, and probably always will. I believe in a lot of things in similar ways. Life being one of them. There is no real point to living, yet everywhere I look I can find a point to it. Even this blog. Is there any point? It doesn’t seem like it. Yet, there is a point, me just writing, getting my thoughts out there in case anyone decides to read it. Is there any point to a person reading it? No. But yes, if I got a single like or a person shared their thoughts, it’s nice. Just that anyone would take the time to see what I’ve written is nice.

All I know, is that, despite time and finding a purpose in life, I am self-aware. Even if there is no real purpose in life, I do not care, I will find my own purpose. I already have many, my love for animals and caring for them being my number one.

Perhaps, that’s all I really need to find a point to everything.

A few things crossed my mind.

I’m so excited to be home again that I haven’t slept, so here I am, about to share some of my thoughts since I need to catch up on my blogging.

The theory of time. It doesn’t make much sense to me. You have the A-theorists and the B-theorists. So. Does time even exist? Albert Einstein concluded that the past, present and future all exist simultaneously. Though with the proper technology, such as a very fast spaceship, one person is able to experience several days while another person simultaneously experiences only a few minutes. The same two people can meet up again, one having experienced days or even years while the other has only experienced minutes. The person in the spaceship only needs to travel near to the speed of light. The faster they travel, the slower their time will pass relative to someone planted firmly on the Earth.

Not to be desultory in any way but this has crossed my mind too many times to count. I’ve thought about perhaps, a ship that is propelled by light itself. Solar powered, you could say. I’m not the one to have a smart mind for building or technology, although, I assume a machine like this would need to be a very strong but light-weight metal covered in solar panels, I also would assume it would need to be arrow dynamic to gain such great momentum, perhaps needing its own thingy-ma-jig to create a force of gravity to keep it from being crushed under such pressure. But that’s just daydreaming, no actual research put into this thought.

But that could create a “time machine” for the future, but not the past. Since the faster you go, the slower time becomes. But what if time doesn’t exist? Oh, wait, don’t we all abide by the nature and laws of time? Perhaps not. Time has been thought to be a direction in space, with all of these little amplitude paths. With every amplitude ending in zero. The universe and “time” moves around us. So even as I’m typing every word, I’m not actually moving at all. It’s the universe moving around me. So we could all be our own little universe or it just exists as some sort of phthisis of the human body and its life. Which, this way of thinking is what inspired my poem “Clock”.

Example; When you’re a passenger in the car, you look out the window and you see the world moving around you. Yet, from a pedestrians perspective, as you drive by, he only sees the vehicle moving, not the world. But could any of this cogent a person to change their way of thinking? That time is nothing but everything. It’s empty yet it’s full.

So is time just some strange penumbra? Or does it really even matter at all?

Where do I begin?!

Hah, I have no clue so I’ll just share a bunch of things!

Forgive me as I have not been able to come online for a bit. I just came home the other day after spending 4 days at my sister’s new apartment to help her move. Which was awful, by the way. I loved helping her and being useful but I got so homesick and missed my mama, daddy and doggy so much. I was away from home 3 more days than my usual comfort zone! I felt so horrible because she didn’t want me to leave, it was fun being there, but it didn’t numb my sorrows from being away from mama.

I also almost came home with a turtle. I found one outside after mama came to pick me up, it wasn’t afraid so I picked it up and even in my excitement, I was able to make eye contact with a family getting in their car and show them the turtle, I didn’t say anything, besides from talking to the turtle. But I carried it off the road into the grass and trees and set it free.

Also, before my sister moved, her and her husband, Matt, thought it would be a hoot to take me fishing. Oh, joy.

I hate it because I feel like I’m hurting the adorable fish and killing worms. But they insisted, so I went. I am a klutz, may I add, so it was awful. I managed to get a hook in my finger, slip on a rock. My line got stuck in a tree…. Twice. I had to climb the tree up about 12 feet but the line broke so at this moment I’m covered in poison ivy from climbing that tree. I also didn’t catch a fish. But I am laughing about my dumb self for not noticing the poison ivy on the tree. I’m so itchy and I have awful looking little red bumps on my arms. OH, and I got stung by a sweat bee. I forgot about that. Oh, and also the sunburn for forgetting sun block. ALL OF THAT, just one day of fishing. I don’t think I should leave the house without a helmet.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share why I haven’t been posting anything but I have a lot of cleaning to catch up on, so I will probably share more of what I’ve been up to. But I’m going to the hospital later, a family member has been given only 3 weeks to live with cancer riddled through out her brain, bones, breast and lymph nodes. So again, forgive me if I’m not back online for a little bit longer.

Ishtar the Morning Star.

He was so beautiful.

But she simply was not.

Looking into the night sky,

she pleads with the sudden thought.

“Oh, Morning Star, how I can no longer love him from afar.

Oh, Morning Star, shine and paint beauty upon this visage of mine.

Oh, Morning star, cast a warm light and take away the disfiguration without a trace.

Oh, Morning Star, bless me with your beauty and erase the horror of my frightening face.”

The star began to speak,

although not with the answer she seeks.

“My dear, be happy with who you are,

you are beautiful inside.

No need to make such a wish upon this star.”

“Oh, Morning Star, I really must persist.

For, unless I have beauty,

he’ll never know I exist.

“Then it isn’t meant to be,

love is what you feel,

not what you can see.

You must understand you are beautiful as you are.

You must understand, even with beauty you two will not go far.”

“But beautiful is one thing I am not.

Maybe without eyes, he can still love me.”

She replied without thought.

The Morning Star gives in to her contention,

she will never understand that this will never win his attention.

“Is that the wish you wish tonight?

You love this man,

yet you long to take away his sight?

Such a selfish wish, but I will grant it to you.

But I must forewarn

that you really think this through.

For, the price is very high,

not even a second wish

could ever return his sight.”

Hesitant, though she does agree.

The wish is granted,

now the man can no longer see.

Though she bid his sacrifice,

she can only hope that her love can suffice.

The ugly girl goes to find him the very next day,

she wants to tell him everything,

though she doesn’t know what to say.

There he is, the sight of him makes her heart scream.

He looked so at peace, perhaps last night was only but a dream.

She approaches him with fear,

her heart thumps louder and faster as she gets near.

She knows what to say but doesn’t know where to begin,

so she starts to speak with love as her defend.

“I’ve loved you from afar, I’ve loved you for so long.

Even your voice rings in my ears like a delicate song.

You’re everything I could want

and a passion I cannot resist.

I would risk everything for just one kiss.

I know you are blind

but I’m so in love with you,

I want you to be mine.”

He begins to cry from the eyes he could just yesterday see through.

Her words, so pure and full of love,

he knew they must be true.

He looks up as if he could see and then replies,

“your words are so beautiful,

I know they cannot be lies.

Those words are filled with kindness and beauty, I know they must be true.

Those beautiful words simply made me fall in love with you.

I am willing to spend with you, my entire life.

But my dear,

my handicap will only bring you strife.

You even love me despite the case,

but oh,

how I wish I could see your face.”

She looks down towards the ground.

The overwhelming guilt,

she cannot hold back a frown.

“No, you do not wish to see me,

I am far too frightening.

And you,

you whose love and passion is far too enlightening.

It’s better off this way,

my face would only frighten you away.”

The beautiful man looks up as if to look at her.

Eyes staring into the void,

he hardly choked out the whisper.

“Seeing with the heart, where life beats.

through every downfall and tragedy, true love will defeat.

And to see with the heart, where the true love lies,

instead of my heart, I’ve only searched for love with my eyes.

Even now, I feel love’s strong embrace,

I’d give up anything just to see your face.

I feel more love than I’ve ever known,

and I’ll love you no matter what.

I’ll never let you be alone.”

With a sigh in defeat, she believes his words are true

and now she knows what she must do.

She was in love with a man that she wished blind.

She had to make her own sacrifice, but she really didn’t mind.

She gave her eyes to him,

the only way to return his sight.

He opened his eyes

and he left her that night.

Just a little something more personal.

My sister at 3 months old.

That is Miranda, my older sister. I wish I had more pictures of us together while we were kids but since we hardly seen each other I only have a few. My sister is the best, I would be so alone without her, she is my family, my best friend forever and my true love.

Well, I’m not exactly proud of this picture, but it shows how close we are now… And how silly.

Yes, we were acting like men, I was being a “sir.”

She was such a rotten brat when we were little. She would lock me in cabinets and closets and smash my fingers in her books and steal my toys while never sharing hers. I can only laugh about it now. She would put a laundry basket over me and sit on it so I would cry because I couldn’t get out.

She looks sweet, but she was evil.

She’s also talented. She is so creative. She always did well in school, I always wanted to be like her. I let her do my hair once, she put blue in my hair, I liked it, she did very well and managed to sneak a picture in the car.

I thought it looked okay plus it matched my lip ring.

I wanted to share this because I think she is amazing and she is the best. But I got the news 2 days ago that she will be very lucky to live another 5 years and will not live a full life. She has Crohns Disease and has almost died a few times because of Crohns. She had emergency surgery in June (On my birthday) and almost died. She also fractured her knee because her medication is making her bones  disintegrate away so she just had another surgery on her knee. This is after the first knee surgery.

Doesn’t even look like a knee.

 

I’ve already mourned for a death that hasn’t even happened. I know she is strong so it’s likely she will surpass her life expectancy but I hope that isn’t just wishful thinking.

I will not allow myself to cry while writing this or let myself dwell on it because she isn’t dead yet. I know her life has been filled with all sorts of different kind of pain, and while I want that to end, I want to be selfish and never let her die. I don’t want her to leave me and go to some after-life or whatever happens to us after we die, I want her to be with me till we die together. But I will be strong, I do not need to cry anymore. The truth is, we don’t really know when or how she’ll die so I’m just going to spend the time I have left with her. I am so happy and grateful for the time we’ve had together and the time yet to come. She is amazing.

It just reminds me of why you should never take anyone for granted because they’re special and someday, we may have to go on in life without them.

But otherwise, I am happy, so please don’t worry that I’m crying my eyes out or going on with the “woe is me” thing, I am very happy. Happy to be lucky enough to have her here with me right now. I’ve finished crying. There is no use making myself upset for something that hasn’t even happened yet. So I can still tell one of my hilarious jokes and laugh. I am just A-okay.

I will never forget this photo.

I think she’s beautiful.

Thank you for reading.

Mr. Sticky Legs

*Something catches my eye*

Me using my baby talk voice : “Oh, well hi there, you cute little tiny spider. Aren’t you just adorable.”

*looks for something to catch it in*

Me : “don’t worry, little guy, I won’t harm you, I’m a gentle giant.”

*grabs a candle lid and a coaster*

Me: “Aww, you’re so cute Mr. Sticky Legs, you just wanted to live in this awesome room of mine, huh?”

*Using a different voice to make the spider reply back*

Spider : “Yes, Sarah, your room is just too cool I just had to see if I could live here with you.”

Me: “Well, I dunnooo. What kinda rent can you pay?”

Spider : “Oh, well, I thought I could stay for free.”

Me: “Nope, I’m sorry, I guess I’ll have to throw you out on the streets-“

Miranda (My sister) : “What are you doing?”

Me : “About to throw this little spider outside”

Miranda “EW! MATT! There’s a spider in here!!! Kill it!”

Me “No, don’t kill it, it isn’t hurting anyone.”

Miranda : “It’s hurting me!”

Matt (My sister’s husband) *walks in with a shoe and squishes it*

Then I proceed to feel depressed for ten minutes before I thought of some funny jokes that made me laugh.

And that is how my day has been.

Sorry, couldn’t think of anything else to post and I haven’t posted anything for a few days.

But thanks for reading anyway!

Creepy.

There’s a weird little girl

in an odd little town.

She lives in a strange little world

where not a single tear falls down.

Long brown hair and hazel eyes

she has a creepy little face.

But she’s happy here,

in this perfect little place.

In the sky above,

swirls of pink and blue.

A happy world

to always learn something new.

The sweet air is fresh

from the flowers always in bloom

and every night is greeted

by a giant blue moon.

Every star in the sky

and music by the sound of laughter.

There’s no sadness here

but always a happy ever after.

Animals prance about in joy

while the birds sing their songs.

This is a perfect place

where every smile belongs.

Sunny days,

colors cover the ground like a giant quilt.

So much beauty,

so many flowers that never wilt.

Unicorns and candy mountains

and a giant bright rainbow.

It’s colors so gorgeous,

as it gazes at me below.

But I snap out of it

only to be in my bed.

But who needs real life,

when I can live in my head?

Dimensions and other odd things.

Ever heard of The Superstring Theory? Subatomic physics that all matter, including human beings, exist in ten dimensions, and that all matter and energy is able to communicate at subatomic levels. Here’s the best example that was just given to me by someone who quoted this from her favorite film.

“It’s like there’s this whole telepathic thing going on that we’re all a part of, whether we’re conscious of it or not. That would explain why there are all these seemingly spontaneous worldwide innovative leaps in science and the arts, you know, like the same results popping up everywhere independent of each other. Some guy on a computer figures something out, and then almost simultaneously a bunch of other people all over the world figure out the same thing. They did this study where they isolated a group of people over time, you know, and monitored their abilities at crossword puzzles in relation to the general population, and they secretly gave them a day-old crossword, one that had already been answered by thousands of other people, and their scores went up dramatically. Like 20%. So it’s like once the answers are out there, people can pick up on them. Like we’re all telepathically sharing our experiences.”

Thanks to her leaving this comment in another one of my blogs, it gave me the idea for this one so she deserves the credit for this and I thank her for it. I have studied this for only a short time now but I can relate to that. As a young child, sitting in back of the car, I recall thinking that life is like a giant tower, sending signals of newly discovered objects, theories, thoughts and such around worldwide. Now, granted, I was still too small to even see out the window so that isn’t exactly what I thought, it was more simple, just basically the image popped in my head out of nowhere, seeing a giant tower that sent its signals to random people causing random knowledge.

I cannot remember why I thought that, but I still think that to this day. But there are a lot of examples out there. Ever entered a room after a heated argument just took place, and noticed you could cut the tension in the air with a knife? Or how twins can often know what the other is thinking or finish each other’s sentences? Or ever knew the phone was about to ring before anyone even called or knew who was calling before you answered?

I can somewhat relate to these situations. For some odd reason on a regular basis, I can recall a television show and a specific episode that just so happens to air that same day or I can always tell when something is wrong with my dad. Just like tonight, I knew something was wrong and a few minutes later, he had a seizure. He gets them while he feels really cold. I am not sure what causes them but I’d like to get him to the doctor. Anyway, he is doing okay now, I gave him his medication and making sure he’s not having another stroke or anything.

But this could also explain some ESP phenomena. It would make sense to me, that there are many parallel worlds and many other dimensions that are connected that are taken place during the present, past and future and that the energy and matter, perhaps even black matter travels through breaching beyond our limits and giving us thoughts and answers that may not even be our own.

Or maybe I’m just going a little loca in the coco and it’s time I wear a straight jacket so I can hug myself. But thank you for reading.

Just thinking.

Ever play The Sims? A simulation of the everyday life of a person as a Sim. -It isn’t so different from reality, really. Life is no video game though. There is no pause, no restarts, no extra lives when you die. All of humanity and the universe for that matter, are made of neurons, protons, matter, black matter, etc. But beyond all of those, there are still pixels. Tiny little pixels just like your computer screen and The Sims.

So, are we really so different from The Sims? Maybe we’re not controlled by some “nerd” sitting at home in front of his T.V or maybe we don’t walk outside in our underwear like Sims tend to do but the game is a simulation of life. Sims need to eat, can fall in love and even have children. Isn’t that basically what human kind does?

How are we to know that our lives aren’t planned ahead that someone isn’t pressing a bunch of buttons that tells us what to do and we’re just watching it unravel like a joy ride? What if our paths are chosen for us? But we can all choose what we can do, I could have gone out for a walk, yet I chose to be at the computer and write this. Why? I’m not sure, I just wanted to. I do not worry about how many people view or “Like” what I write, so why not just write in my diary? Again, I don’t know, I just feel the need to share my thoughts, even if no one cares. Although if something I wrote helps a person in the slightest way or kept a person interested enough to read the whole thing, that feels nice. It’s reassuring that someone has cared enough to read what I write about while I’m off spinning around in my chair with unkept, curly dark hair and wearing my pjs or trying to stand on my head.

It’s hard to tell what is my own. All of my perspective and thoughts are based off of something else that has enlightened me. I said life is like a video game, but I would have never of thought this if I hadn’t heard another man say that the world was made up of pixels. We want to be different from everyone else, yet we also strive to be “normal”. What is normal? Not being an outcast, not having any major illness, having to dress a certain way so society doesn’t call us sluts or devil worshipers?

We wear clothes that other people have bought, listen to music that someone else likes, has a favorite food that is another person’s favorite and so on, we take these things and make them our own, and say that’s what makes us different. Well, it does make us different, I like the band Man Man but there’s people that may not enjoy them, my diet is 80% fruit but there are people who hate fruit. We’re all the same, we all like certain things, dislike others, we must eat to live, we have the urge to be loved and seek purpose. But that’s what makes life great, if we were all the same to the deepest detail, life would be boring, but if we were all so different life would be too complex. So we are just right. There’s no two people exactly the same and if all of our biology was so different, well, life could be pretty hectic.

Perhaps so many people are too inexorable or cynical to even think such things. But there are right and wrong answers. probably not by the standards of the universe, but through the eyes of society and science. If I said blue was the best color, who would be there to say I’m right or wrong? -those who love blue may agree others that like other colors will disagree. Who is right and who is wrong? But if I said the world was flat, everyone will say I’m wrong.

I cannot be sure if there is someone or something out there controlling me like people do to sims, but I know I am aware. Aware of my thoughts, emotions, actions and basic human needs. And I am just A-okay with that.

Perhaps just a tiny bit morbid of a poem.

Here’s the story

of a lovely lady.

That was beat up by her mother,

until she went completely crazy.

People from all around,

knew her face.

Riddled with contusions,

all of the shame she couldn’t erase.

She slipped into delusions,

trauma was like a cage.

Cramping into not enough space,

until she couldn’t hold back the rage.

Later her mother

came up to abuse her more.

Came to push her around

and slammed her against the door.

Her anger exploded,

her mother saw those dark eyes flare.

She held back the throws,

not a single punch did she dare.

‘You took my sanity,

your abuse has taken its toll.

All the beatings,

broke the light inside my soul.’

‘I don’t deserve this,

my life isn’t yours to claim.

Now I’ll show what’s it’s like

to know everlasting shame.’

‘This is what happens

when a mind is lost.

I’ll make you regret this,

no matter what the cost.’

She hacked her up

with a very large knife.

She held her tongue

as she ended her life.

With a thud,

she fell to the floor.

The sadistic mother

was suddenly no more.

The overwhelming burden

she couldn’t maintain.

Suddenly infused with

this joy she cannot contain.

So she dressed up

and threw a big party.

And chopped her mother up

for bloody corpse confetti.

The town learned

of her horrific deed.

All panicked and decided

that death be the certain need.

They gathered up and

hunted her down.

They set her aflame

then buried her in the ground.

The story passed along towns,

and people saw her fame.

they learned her story

and what she has became.

But she wasn’t at rest,

she would bring upon her wrath.

watching over parents,

murdering abusers in her path.

Her spirit wandered,

hacking up all of the vile.

Fear set in causing

them all to change their life style.

Now she helps all of the children

that need to cover up their scars.

And every parent, remembers the story

that will forever make them keep up their guard.

Thoughts.

Life is strange. So many odd things occur with no reasonable explanation. The paranormal and super-natural stories, people claim to be psychic, all of these strange things so many people fear to openly speak of. It’s quite interesting. The human brain is an odd organ, indeed. So many things unknown about ourselves yet we strive to enter technology rather than poke around inside our own brains.

Just because something isn’t necessarily logical doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Assuming that it is, is about as logical as unlogical. (See what I did there?)

People claim to have an open mind, yet giggle and chuckle when someone utters the words “fairies” or “UFOs”. Or roll their eyes when a person claims to speak to the dead or can read minds. In a universe as strange as ours why is something as such so commonly refered to as eccentric? I’ve read many books on these subjects, I believe that it is possible. Therefore, if it’s possible, I believe that it may exist. Do I truly believe in pukwedgies or magic with all my heart and soul? -No, but I would not be shocked if I happen to ever experience or witness it.

It is human nature to long for a reason of our somewhat petty existence on how it has come to be and why. People look at science for answers, but since science cannot answer everything, people turn to religion. Is it hard for me to have an open mind for a God or creator? No, but the day I die and find out, would it matter so much? Living a life in constant fear of sinning and punishment, having a God(s) watching every move I make and listening to every one of my thoughts. It doesn’t matter, I’ll live my life and not dwell on that, I’ll be the best person I can be and whatever sins I commit as a sinner are well deserved for punishment. Or when I die and there is no God, what will it matter then either? -I’ll be dead, I won’t really care too much of what’s around me. But looking at everything in this world, it is hard to imagine everything in this strange place without some higher power watching over it. But then again, there could be some other super-natural cause, also.

I find it strange to go through my memories and think about what triggers my brain to do that or to tell my body to move and not know what causes it. I do not mean neural impulses or the primary motor cortex, I mean what exactly triggers the urge to move. Even as I type, I am not sure how my brain is urging my fingers to move or my eyes reading everything as I go. What is it that exactly compels me to move to just simply brush my teeth or something as complex as playing my guitar?

We are all so different yet the same. We have a beating heart, thoughts, just a bunch of piles of flesh and smelly organs that are in motion constantly to just keep us alive. Yet, we’re all so diverse, what forms our opinions and makes us favor something? Could it be something so strange that a one person likes the color red and another likes green, but they’re both seeing  the same color just their brains register them as different colors the other cannot see the same way? How absurd, two people seeing the same color but see them as a different. Maybe what I really see is orange when I’m looking at something yellow or purple when I’m looking at pink yet we go by the names of the colors we were taught.

Or perhaps my insomnia is making me delusional and I’m blabbering about things that most people will think I’m stoned on something for writting of.

In a world so full of wonder and unanswered questions, why is it so hard for people to open their minds up and think “hey, maybe, just maybe magic really does exist or this person has a gift to see into the future”.

Anyway, I’m off to meditate and rest before I pass out while playing video games.. (Again.)

A thing people normally ask me.

This is yet another personal blog on a perspective of mine, people I meet normally ask why I think the way I do on this subject so it’s merely an opinion of mine so when anyone asks, I’ll point to this blog here.

I’m sexist.

I was not raised to be this way towards women, nor do I ever belittle women because I’m sexist. Looking around at the ladies today, I can see why in some of the middle east, they have to be covered up at all times. Now, do not get me wrong, some of the treatment of women there is very wrong like if a women is raped, she’ll get lashes, because it’s her own fault for being raped. But I recently seen a girl who couldn’t have been more than 16 with a skirt that showed her butt as she walked and a shirt that hardly covered her belly button. Now, a parent can only do so much for setting a good example before the child will do what they do but this was a bit disturbing. I believe in modesty, I do not like showing a lot of my skin while in public, I try to avoid as much attention as I can, unless my mama forces me to wear a dress. But as long as the dress covers my knees, I can handle it.

I also believe the woman should do all the cooking and cleaning. It only seems fair if the man has to go out and work to earn money for food, then it’s fair that the woman cooks it. It isn’t hard, and it can be very fun! I love it if I can listen to my music while I clean and throw in a few awful dance moves while I do the dishes or fold clothes.

I would personally like the manly man, maybe facial hair and fairly large, and to me, seeing a man dusting or sweeping isn’t very manly, although, if he’s just being nice and doing it, I would be ever so grateful but I would prefer to be the one doing it.

As for, the old timey things, like voting, I will not lie, politics go right over my head. I’m not the best judge of character because I trust until given a reason not to, and trying to vote between a bunch of people who promise the good, I just cannot choose. I know, I probably should try to better understand politics for my country and such but to be honest, I’m not too proud of my country, America, for a few reasons. But I still love my country, it would be wrong not to.

Another thing, hitting a woman. A woman should never be hit by a man, because physically, it’s completely unfair.

Although, if the woman hits the man, I think a man can only take so much before he hits back, so the woman would be asking for it, and deserves it, in my perspective.

I believe if a woman wants a career if she does not already have one, it has to be approved be the man in her life. I do want a career to help out with bills and have my own money but I’ll be just fine if I had a man who said no. I’m okay with that, more time to spend playing Xbox in my mind.

Although, I’m sexist, I still want some respect, I do not want to be yelled at for simple things like if dinner is a bit late or I forgot to iron work clothes. Nor do I ever want to be told what to do if it’s something that’s too much to ask for, but if I am able to do it, I will do it.

But as I said, I do not tell other women to do this, I know many that will more than likely disagree with what I believe, and that is fine, it’s okay to. But as I would not “troll” or “hate” on another persons thoughts, I’d like the same respect and not throwing any hateful or angry comments at me for this blog. I do not intend to offend anyone, so politely ignore this and enjoy the rest of your day.

Yet another poem.

Clock

There it is again.

Tick tock.

It’s my old friend,

the most delightful clock.

Reminding me of

every second, minute and hour.

Oh, how it has lasted so long,

as it never seems to lose power.

Tick tock.

Such a reassuring sound,

reminding me of the laws

of physics which are infinitely bound.

Time.

Such an illusionary factor.

small images flashing in front of my eyes,

it only exists merely as a life extractor.

I watch as the particles of the universe

flash around me,

though I never have no move

as the world moves around me.

Tick tock.

Such an insightful object.

breaching the walls that are solid mass,

never going back but always reflect.

The theory of time.

Such a foolish thought.

time is nothing but a movie,

yet we all believe what we are taught.

Tick tock.

the images that push through.

It is not time that makes things change,

it is the world that moves around you.

Showing an equation that doesn’t exist,

it is my dear friend, the clock.

Such a useless yet meaningful friend,

reminding me of every tick and tock.

Just another poem.

Monster

The most beautiful girl of all.

Just a look from her will make any man fall.

Long black curls and eyes of perfection.

Every man tries to win her

through love and affection.

To win her desired love, one man tries more than any other.

She goes through the men, one after another.

He would give anything to fulfill her every wish and whim.

Yet she walks by and doesn’t even notice him.

Not one is good enough for her.

He could never be the one she would prefer.

She only chooses the very best.

She has her way then moves on to the next.

Her rejection would make him fall apart.

For, she is more beautiful than any fine art.

The aristocrat of lust,

she’s a monster in a mask,

a beauty they shouldn’t trust.

He’ll try again and again even after the fall and reassemble,

Yet a simple walk past her makes him tremble.

She’s a beauty no one could miss.

But he’s just a nobody she would never know exists.

Of those she will pick out she will gaze into the soul,

That special look makes the men beyond control.

They gravel at her feet.

But they’re not good enough for the girl of elite.

His passion burns like fire and she is as cold as ice,

loving her comes with a devastating price.

But fire and ice cannot be bound,

when she is the one everyone else revolves around.

Melting, he is aflame and burning in the fire,

but he’ll do anything for the woman of desire.

She is a demon in disguise,

any man she chooses will soon meet his demise.

She makes the judgement and finally approaches him.

While his excitement is overwhelming, her face lay grim.

He feels so small and insignificant in her shadow beneath.

But she is so pleased that the last thing he saw were rows of sharp teeth.

Growing up sucks.

I refuse to grow up. That simple.

I like my room looking like a toy store. I’ll never get tired of legos and Toys R Us.

I don’t want to face the world without the comfort of my parents.

I want a job, but my boss or rude people always make me cry.

Dating and relationships are too intimidating.

The thought of taking care of myself alone is too frightening.

I want to be a adult but I’m not wise enough nor brave enough.

Maybe if my parents want me to learn how to swim, they better throw me in the pool. Otherwise, I fear I may never take the leap to be on my own. If anyone reading this has any advice, please feel free to share it.

I guess, I’m not really sure.

I am aware of how some girls just seem to hate other girls. Why? -I have no idea. Of course, there are the stuck-up girls that talk about other girls and it may make them less than pleasant but I won’t sink to the level. The way I see it, if I talk down about them on how they’re judgmental or rude, that makes me look as foolish as they do.

It’s just I do not understand it. Now, I do dislike that young ladies do that, but I don’t know their reason. Maybe they do it because subconsciously they know they’re not getting attention at home. Or they call other girls ugly because they feel bad about themselves. So maybe those reasons may not be very good reasons but to them, that’s how they deal with it. Even if it’s the wrong way to deal with it.

I’ve been picked on by other girls, I’m not even sure why. Last time it happened, I was at the store  and they poked fun at me and one pretty much shoved me out of line at the store. Being the person I am, I avoid all confrontation and excused myself quietly to the back of the line to hide behind my dad. I’ve had girls I do not even know throw things at me when they drove by and call me rude names.

Again, being the person I am, that just makes me cry to myself and find comfort in the things I love, like music and animals. I can’t lie, I’m sensitive and it doesn’t take much from a stranger to get me crying.

Another thing, girls these days don’t seem to have self-respect or modesty. I know skirts are really cute but when it’s just low enough to cover your butt or you have a thong sticking out, it just kinda asks for trouble in my opinion. I mean, I think a rapist may target a lady dressed more like that opposed to one wearing a T-shirt and jeans. But maybe I’m wrong.

I mean, if ladies like to wear that stuff then go for it. I’m not saying it’s wrong. Even I wear things that may be a bit too less. Like shorts and a tank. Don’t even get me started on bikinis either. It’s just like underwear, and I wouldn’t walk around in underwear in public so no bikinis for me.

As for self-respect, I mean the way young ladies sleep around. I am not saying, it’s bad, to wait for marriage. But unless you are really in love, why would any lady give herself up so easily. The female sex organs are only meant to handle ONE ph level from a male and sleeping around can make a lady prone to cancer. That is what happened to my aunt, and she slept around like she lived in a bed and it almost cost her  life and she will never be able to have children.

I’m really not sure where I’m going with this blog, but it seems young ladies don’t really seem to act like young ladies much these days.

Especially in relationships, as I have personally seen first-hand. The way some women treat a man is unfair. If they tell him what to do all the time or nag about how he wants to see his friends or play PS3 or Xbox. A relationship takes two people, if a man doesn’t care if you spend an hour in a shoe shop or you see your friends why can’t a man play some video games or go to a bar with his friends. ?

Maybe I’m just weird.

Well anyway, I’m off to clean dad’s newest gun then tend to my plants and play guitar.

Good day!

Just thought I’d share one of older poems.

Lights.

I can’t break the silence,

It’s breaking me.

The lights here are too bright,

and it’s hard to see.

 

I musn’t forget,

what was my name again?

How long have I been here?

The time doesn’t seem to end.

 

White.

Everything is white.

The lights are hurting my eyes,

they’re too bright.

 

I don’t know why,

but I’m happy here.

Everything outside this box

seems so unclear.

 

Scribbled on the wall

is my written name.

I must go look,

to make sure it is still the same.

 

They said I’ll never leave,

who would want to?

Why be in what they called “outside”

when here, there is so much to do.

 

I can count the tiles

in the ceiling.

What could be better

than the joy I’m feeling?

 

How long have I been here?

These lights hurt my eyes.

I asked them to turn them down

but they ignore my cries.

 

Ah, they’re here again,

right on time.

It’s just another food tray,

but the food is far from sublime.

 

But I eat it anyway,

I’ll only forget what it tastes like soon enough.

Why spend time eating,

when I could be doing other stuff?

 

What was my name?

I must go look so I don’t forget.

My eyes are sore,

the room is too brightly lit.

 

I count every step I take

it’s my favorite game.

I play before I go back to the wall

to remember my name.

 

I hear footsteps outside my white door.

They are back again.

They come to give me pills

every now and then.

 

I don’t know what pills are

but I take them anyway.

They get very mad

if I don’t do what they say.

 

I’ll count the steps

while I go to check my name.

It’s not a very good name,

but it’s the one I claim.

 

The lights in here

are too bright.

I really should tell them

that’s it’s messing up my sight.

 

But they’ll only yell

and maybe confine me to my bed.

That isn’t much fun

because my name will escape my head.

 

The time

doesn’t seem to change.

But they say time moves along

though I’ve never seen anything so strange.

 

They said there’s

a world outside this white room.

It must be bigger walls like in here I’ll assume.

 

I must go to the wall again

to remember my name.

I’ll count the steps I take

then I’ll make sure it’s still the same.

 

When life seems to fall apart.

It happens to everyone. Going through those bad times in life when one bad thing happens right after another. It’s happened to me and I bet it’s happened to you. I haven’t walked in any other person’s shoes but my own, so the things I share in my blogs may or may not help, but I certainly hope they do. Maybe my positive outlook may not be able to cheer up another person.

An example is from a friend I had, that I only knew through the screen of my computer and webcam. Very nice and talkative, although generally unhappy. This was a friendship I messed up on my own part, but I won’t share it in this post. I tried all I could to tell him the positive side and he said that I made him happy. I made him happy, not my words. Nothing I said could get him to cheer up. All the lame jokes and happy thoughts got him to crack a smile, but only momentarily happiness that was immediately forgotten.

Although, he had depression and didn’t want to take medication. So, as a person with depression myself, going on antidepressants was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Because depression can really make you feel messed up in the head. I told him maybe he should try it, that I was upset when he was but I wasn’t going to tell him what to do, he is an adult. So that’s one piece of advice, if you think you have depression, please do something about it, don’t just suffer.

Sometimes depression can make you feel like you deserve to suffer, like you aren’t good enough for anything in the world and suffering is better, crying to the point where you get scabs on your face from wiping the tears. That is no way to live, that is not what we were meant for. We are meant to be happy in life. Even though everyone you know and love will die and you and I will too, constantly obsessing over it doesn’t make living life as much fun. So it’s true that you should live each day to the fullest. Sometimes, it’s best to not think about death, of course a person needs to be prepared for what will happen to your loved ones but thinking about it everyday just doesn’t seem healthy.

I find the best thing to do in life when I’m down is to smile! Not a fake smile to just mask the pain on your face, that won’t hide the suffering in your eyes. A real smile! Something that will bring utter joy to you! The song “Smile, smile, smile” from Pinkie Pie never fails for me. As long as I’m on my anti-depressant, I can take away my sadness and keep it away with that song. Or I look at kittens or puppies on YouTube, or even the adorably hilarious Fainting Goat video will make me laugh until I snort.

Stay positive, the bad times won’t last forever, and think of how great it will be when it’s all over.

Another great thing, if you’re a person of faith, pray. Pray often, studies show that a person with faith compared to a person that does not have faith are generally more happy. Rather a creator is real or it’s the power of suggestion, the positive effects it has on the brain are uncanny. Now now, please, no judging, I’m not preaching about religion, I keep my beliefs to myself.

Friends and family. I know some people don’t have either, but if you do, know it’s better to run to your friends and family rather than run away from your problems. A good friend, like a good family member will be there for you. Even I will be here for you if you need anyone to talk to, to just let things out. Sometimes, even a stranger to vent to is helpful, and I will gladly be that stranger if it will help cheer a person up.

Although a person cannot be helped unless they want to be helped. So if think you deserve to suffer if you have depression, please realize that you don’t deserve it, the only thing we deserve is pure happiness.

Otherwise, if you’re going through tough times, sometimes it makes you feel grateful if you think there are others that have it worse. You’ll be grateful but probably not so happy knowing others are having it worse. But since you can’t help everyone, sometimes it’s okay to be selfish and worry about your own happiness.

I learned that during my hard times, I spent so much time trying to cheer up other people who I hardly even knew that I didn’t take the time to care for my own happiness. (This was before I was on my medication.) Don’t get me wrong, I still love helping people, but sometimes you just need to take a little time for yourself and make yourself happy.

You never know what it takes to show a person the light, and remember help people the way you’d like others to help you. Being kind can bring on its own happiness.

More thoughts since I have the urge to write.

Just another personal blog.

Does anyone else wonder why? -if you wave your hand really fast in front of a tv or pc screen when it’s on makes your hand look all neat like your hand is pretending to be The Flash and it’s in a super fast speed. It’s amusing.

Anyway, I just cleaned the ceiling fan in the living room and about to sweep and scrub the kitchen floor. So I’ve been a bit productive all day. Job searching a bit too. Maybe thinking about picking up one of my guitars later since I haven’t played in a while. I’ve been wanting to figure out some more lead in Goatwhore or Brujeria. I also have Let Me Go, Lover by Dean Martin stuck in my head. I freakin’ love Dean. I would marry him.

Anyway… I’m in a bit of mourning since my African Violet is dying. I think I may have shocked him when I replanted him a few days ago. Of course then again, I had just watered Fluffy, (I name my plants) and mama comes in and dumps a cup of water in him so he may have been over-watered. I’ve given him extra care, Proper sun, shade, humidity and talking to him and playing classical music for Fluffy, but it hasn’t done much help. At least, my other African Violet, Cpt. Prettypedals has survived the replanting.

Anyway, I have some languages to catch up on and finish cleaning so good day, and sorry for the pointless blog.

To those with parents.

Earlier, I went up to my mama and told her how much I loved her and how she did a great job with raising me and that whatever she did to make me turn out the way I did, she should be proud because I’m proud too. My mama is my one and only true love. And if you are still blessed to have your parents with you today, tell them that as often as you can because we all know they won’t be there forever and say those things now because you never know when it’s too late.

Your parents dedicated a 24/7 time job of watching over you and revolved their lives around having you. Now, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I do not have biological parents in my life, so not everyone has parents and I’m lucky enough to have them so just because I say parents, you can relate to as whomever took the time to raise you because a parent is not who gives birth, it’s who that loves you and raises you.

So, your parents deserve respect and gratitude. Do not get me wrong, I wasn’t the greatest child, I’ve made my parents cry and I have disrespected them. But I always went back and apologized and admitted I was wrong and had no place to talk to them that way. I do not mean to make my posts sound like I’m preaching to everyone about how to live your life, I’m only trying to shed a little light on who ever takes the time to read my posts, I’m not forcing you to do these things, I’m only trying to share what I’ve learned and I’m not out to make it seem like I’m some great person because I’ve done bad things I’m not proud of, but I will say that I’ve learned my lessons and there are no regrets.

Anyway.

I see children with great respect for their parents and I see others that have no respect. I may be 20 but I still feel like a child and I will always be a child to my parents and I will always show them that respect.

I tell my mama and daddy all the time about how much they mean to me, I do not do it as often with my dad cause he’s kinda manly but I still do it in my own special way for him. But they’re in their 60’s now and daddy is about to go into the hospital again, so as I said, cherish these moments now before it’s too late, at least then you can look back and know you left nothing unsaid and it will make you feel better.

So please, if you reading this still have your parents with you, go and tell them you love them because they could never hear it too often. I thank my parents for raising me because they didn’t have to but they did.

So, before it’s too late, go show your parents how much they mean to you, let them know their time spent taking care of you is appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

Friends.

A lot of amount of people may agree that it is hard to find a true friend, now out all those people who say that, how many actually stop and think if they’re a good friend? I’m not a person to have many friends, but I’ve already learned the most important things. As a friend myself, I try my very best to support my best and only friend, Heather. I try to make her laugh when she’s down, she says that I always say that right thing to her, and that makes me feel amazing.

We haven’t seen each other in over 6 years and our friendship is stronger everyday. As corny as it sounds, I can swear that I would take a bullet for her. I love her as a friend and as a family member, even if she isn’t in my family.

But I’m not the greatest friend in the world but here’s some wonderful things I’ve learned, and I am also not ashamed to admit I learned these lessons not just from being a friend, but a wonderful cartoon as well, one that actually has a meaning and lesson in every episode. Now people can say I’m absolutely nuts from getting such deep lessons from a cartoon. But it’s true. Male or female of any age can literally sit down and watch My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Not because of the Brony Fanbase but to just sit down and enjoy these lessons that can really help you relate to what it means to be a good friend.

Although, the show isn’t for everyone, a lot of people may not just get into it and that’s fine.

But this blog isn’t about my number 1 cartoon, it’s about being a good friend.

So, remember, be the best friend you can be. Always have the best interest for your friends, you cannot control them but you can control your own behavior and actions, never assume the worst of your friends, be sensitive to your friend’s feelings even if you think they’re over-reacting, never try to misjudge your friends. Basically be as good of a friend that you’d want your friend to be to you. This, friends, is very simple to do and it isn’t too much to ask for in finding a friend. And  making mistakes in friendship is okay, you can learn from these mistakes, a true friend will be there for you and forgive. Just never take forgiveness for granted, because forgiveness can be earned not just given.

So next time you or someone you know says it’s hard to find a good friend, remind yourself, or them, on what it takes to be a good friend in the first place and together, you can be friends and spread these lessons so maybe those whom may not be the greatest friends may be able to learn a lesson or two. Thank you for reading.

Manners.

Today, I did a really odd thing. I left my house and took a walk! Strange I don’t walk often as much as I love to. As I was walking, a very crude young man drove by and yelled something at me, he made a very rude comment on my bum. I’m aware I have a Jay-Lo butt, I do not appreciate anyone pointing that out. I finally accepted most of my appearance and I do not want anyone, certainly a stranger saying something so rude to me. Compliments, I will take politely but that was no compliment to me.

I had the mind to tell him what his mother would think but he drove off. Although, I personally am sexist against women. The whole “women cook and clean for the man” thing, I still think a woman deserves respect. And commenting on a young lady’s behind that a man is not dating is very disrespectful and I do not appreciate it. I am not sure why, but it seems the younger generation has a lack of respect and manners. I personally dislike when a person has no manners. Now, I won’t dislike the person themself for it, unless they are very rude and/or vulgar, but a person doesn’t need perfect manners for me to enjoy a conversation or their company. I also dislike when young ladies cuss exceedingly. I really do not cuss, unless I’m really mad, playing a video game or get very startled. If I’m in the company of other adults I’m not super close to or children or in public, I never cuss. When I do cuss however, it’s either d*mn, h*ll, etc.

Let me also point out that if you cuss or anything, that doesn’t mean I’ll point it out or it will offend me. Pointing out a persons imperfect manners is also rude. I will not belittle you for your language either male or female. Also, just because I’m sexist, I will not tell all of you lovely ladies out there that you belong in the kitchen or something. It’s my opinion only and I will not tell you how to live your life.

I sure hope that whatever is causing these awful manners in this generation stops. It makes me feel upset enough to ask them if they have no shame. Petty bad manners are no big deal, but as to going up to a stranger and saying a vulgar comment about their behind, I simply will not tolerate.

A little knowledge goes a long way.

This is for all the little critters out there we call our pets. Not just a pet, but a loved member of the family, and they love us unconditionally, too. And while you may love your pet it can be hard doing what’s right for them. I find it really hard to see my puppy staring at me while I munch on cookies or fruit and not feel tempted to give her some, but I want to make sure she knows that I’m the alpha and while fruit is good for dogs (as long as there’s no seeds or stems.) I never give her any while she begs and I’ll save a little piece for her after I’m done and have her do a simple command I taught her then she may gingerly take it from my hand.

I love my dog as if she were my own baby. And she is almost 9 years old now and I made many mistakes with her while I was young and I’d like to share them because I did some bad things so hopefully other animal lovers will see that this is no way to train your beloved pet.

The worst is spanking. I was still a preteen when she was a puppy and when she did something naughty, I spanked her on her butt. That was the worst thing I could have done because I made her fear me. Even now, years later, if I raise my hand she will squint her eyes and fold her tail between her legs. (Which I raise my hand up to hush her by holding my hand up, not out to threaten to spank her.) I can’t even say how awful that makes me feel now, enough to bring me to tears. Now I know that instead of spanking her I use my voice. Yelling is also a bad thing to do if your dog barks, because when you yell while he/she barks, your dog perceives that as alerting him/her as if you were doing the equivalent as barking with him/her. So while you are scolding your dog for barking, your dog sees it as though you’re barking with him/her.

So instead, one simple slightly loud tone will do to get your dog’s attention then follow-up with a stern voice just like you would with any child. If your dog ignores you, it is probably because he/she does not understand this yet. It takes time, especially with training an older dog or trying to change your own punishing strategy for your dog. If your dog still ignores you, it is time to put your dog in a “time out” spot that’s away from other people. After a minute you can let your dog out, if your dog goes to bark again, use your stern voice again and put him/her back in the time out spot for another minute. Eventually, you dog will realize, “oh, hey, every time I do something bad, I get put here, I better stop so I don’t have to be here.” So, dogs are very social and will not like being away from you or other people and this is a great way to teach your dog learn many things.

I do that now with my dog. She knows that when I use my stern voice to say “go get in the corner” she goes straight to the corner in the kitchen and pouts. After a minute, I call her and she comes with her tail wagging. So she knows she did wrong but I don’t have to spank her to make her see that. This way, we are both more happy.

If you spank your dog, (not even hard) you will be able to see the shame and embarrassment on your dog. I noticed it last time I tapped her butt, (it was playfully, but she thought I was serious) and she pouted for a while, it was plain to see, I had embarrassed her for what she thought was spanking.

I felt bad because we always play like that and it was just a misunderstanding. Dog’s are great at understanding human tones and when I told her how sorry I was, her face lit back up and came to me with her tail wagging then rolled over for me to rub her belly.

Learning to better understand how your dog understands you, you will build a greater relationship with your pet.

Now, here’s some other things I’d like to share while on the subject.

If you want to get a pet. ALWAYS do your research. It is very important. Now, not just on the breed of animal, but where you get it from. Most pet stores get their adorable animals from Puppy Mills. You’ve probably heard of them or even know what they are, but if not, here’s a summary.

A puppy mill is mostly an outside farm, if you will, that confine dogs in cages with minimum to no shelter for all their lives, using them only for breeding then killing them after they can no longer produce puppies. They only breed for profit, they use the cheapest food and never take them to a vet. They breed constantly without any regard to inbreeding or genetic disorders to the puppies, then they send the puppies to be sold in pet stores, a lot of puppies die before they even get to the pet store.

Some are more legit than others but I find it best to not take the chance and either find a legit breeder that can provide all of the important information and/or show the papers or save an animal from the shelter.

Now, most people want their pets as babies to better train them, but you can find a pet just as good and loving at the shelter. All pets at the shelter have to pass a test before being suitable for adoption, so all you have to do is ask to have one on one time to find the connection for the animal you want and you can learn your animal’s behavior rather quickly during the first impression. Shy animals may need time to open up but it doesn’t really mean the animal has bad habits like guarding or aggression. Personally, I think the animals should have more foster care if they’re too shy, which is a great way you to help out with animals in need, by the way.

Anyway, there are “small town” puppy mills too, where people can do it in their own back yards. Always ask to see the parents of the animal you want and ask as many questions about them as possible. Make sure you do not find any hair loss, eye infection and making sure the parent(s) have a good, healthy weight, not over-weight or under-weight.

Also, if you get a young pet, there’s a lot of training you can do to be sure you give your pet the best well-rounded personality you can. While young, introduce them to as many other people and animals as possible to get them well socialized. As well as children and make sure that the child can treat the animal with as much respect as you want your pet to share with others. Giving baths and clipping their nails often will get them use to it and to vet visits. Act like you’re checking your animals teeth, picking up a paw like they do during the vet, and run your hands from the top of their head all the way to the tip of their tail, on their belly and down all their legs to their paws and acting like your checking their eyes are a great thing also.

Always reward your pet for doing good things too. But do not over do it or it will have less meaning to your pet. There’s many tips that can help you teach your pet too. I’ll just copy and paste some from a good website I found.

If your dog is aggressive to you, it is vital for the success of the program that you avoid confrontation. If the dog is continually put into situations in which it feels the need to defend itself, aggression becomes a learned behavior.If your dog attempts to guard a rawhide chew and you back away, what does the dog learn? It’s learned that aggression works. If it wants you to back off, all it has to do is growl. — If your dog guards these things, simply remove them from its diet all together.

Alpha isn’t who screams the loudest, it’s who holds the resources. If your dog has food in its bowl all the time, it feels in control. You must be the one to offer food (the bowl coming from your hand) when and only when the dog sits. If you ask for a sit and the dog doesn’t comply, you can give a ‘no-reward mark’ and walk away. The dog must wait for the next schedules feeding time for another chance. (A no-reward mark is not a command. It is a word that lets your dog know it’s chosen the wrong option and the human is leaving the area. I use, too bad.)

If your dog comes up while you are on the couch and climbs into your lap wanting attention, who is the king and who is the throne? If this happens, simply stand up to get the dog off of you and then ask for a sit (dog needs to be on the floor at this point!). If the dog sits, you can pet it. Now you have just controlled the situation, not the dog.

Over praising a dog makes the praise uneventful. It is not appreciated. If you control and ration all praise and attention, your dog views you as more authoritative. — By spoiling a dog, you do it no favors.

The dog should not be allowed to get on the bed or couch unless you ask. High places are a way dominant dogs gain control. Dogs (like people and other mammals) feel more authoritative when on a higher level.

If you dog is barking in your face for attention, give the no-reward mark and walk away. After a few minutes of silence from the dog, ask it to come to you and sit. Then you can give attention.

Remember, fair is fair and your dog can have as much love and attention as it earns.

This way of interacting with your dog isn’t cruel nor is it too much for you to ask. This is all about mutual respect. Never ask your dog to do something you wouldn’t do. You have to work, pay taxes and drive the speed limit and your dog needs rules as well. If you give a human child everything for free, you’re setting them up for failure. They won’t learn valuable lessons needed for interacting with their world. Nothing in life is free. Children feel loved and safe when rules and structure are given to them. Dogs are no different. Each time you want to spoil your dog, think about their mental well-being first. Instant gratification does not equal a confident and happy individual. Work and a true purpose in life is what it’s all about. If they feel needed and useful, they feel confident and content and isn’t that what we all want out of life?

Those are great tips and I hope this blog taught you something new for your beloved friend, if not, you are already a great pet owner! I hope this can help you with any bad habits with you or your pet.

Remember, there really aren’t many bad dogs or owners for that matter, it’s all about understanding and knowing what is best for your best friend.

Thank you for taking the time to read this very long post! Next one about animals will be for cats or something since this was mostly aimed at dog owners lol. Good day, friends!

What makes life beauiful.

These days it can be hard to find beauty in the world we are all slowly destroying. Just research some oil spills or a little searching and you could find some really messed up sites online, to see how the world really is.

Anyway….

Life is truly remarkable yet complex in many ways, what the human brain can accomplish through meditation or literally changing the aspect and perspective through yourself or others is a phenomenon that is hard to find in the world, yet, anyone can do it. Life is a cycle left on repeat, as leaves change colors and the frost freezing over until that small bright star blesses us with its warmth again. We live then we die, all without the world changing for us, all but the damage we have caused. We live in this world together, as the smartest life form on our planet, how are we not clever enough to see that we should love one another and respect this fruitful world which gives us what we need. I thank mother earth every time I meditate for this beautiful world.

I use to believe there was no warmth. No love in the world. No light that protected my mind from straying too far from reality. Life is way too short. Anyone can open their mind up to see the beauty. The innocence of animals or small children.

It only takes one person to reroute history. Doing simple small things everyday could cause all of the toxins in the world to do a full U-turn. Many people all over do their share and it makes more of an impact that will ever be known. We all know you don’t see all the good deeds in the world on the local news, so just because you don’t hear about it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. And simply doing your part will help make life more beautiful in the long-run.

Try devoting some time in helping others. Maybe shave your head to raise cancer awareness in children. Adopt an animal from a shelter instead of a pet store. Stop and help an elderly person that could use a younger body and stronger back to help with cutting the grass. Smile at a stranger that looks a little down. Recycle a bit more. Maybe try a walk instead of a car if you can. People do these things all the time, and just knowing that there’s someone out there in the world right now that’s doing a good deed makes me smile.

Mankind has done a great deal of harm to our beautiful yet harsh rock we call earth. While you or I may not be responsible for it first-hand, it is all of human kind’s responsibility to ensure we do our part to respect the world we were given. It may be easy or it may be hard but it is all worth it to see a whole forest of trees that lived for hundreds of years without someone chopping them down to make paper or seeing a rare tiger while knowing it wouldn’t have to worry about being killed for its pelt. (which it’s blissfully unaware anyway, but you get my point.)

Doing wonderful things for the good of us all will give you a great feeling because you know you’re helping make a difference. Even a small change is better than no change.

Find what you are passionate about and do what makes you feel whole, those things can make you forget all about the troubles in the world. Why dwell on something you cannot change? Sure there’s child and animal abuse, racism, murder etc. it can make anyone feel like there’s no hope. All you can do is do your part and know that there are others doing the same. If you think you know a child being abused in any way, alert someone, don’t just wonder if you’re wrong about it. Stand up and be a voice for someone who may be too afraid to do it themselves. And if you’re wrong, relax, at least you know that person is not abused. Life can be about taking chances, so as the saying goes, live each day like it’s your last.

Follow through with what you want in life and failing the first few times will only make you stronger.

Life is truly wonderful. Just take a moment, stare into the void and just think, “wow, I am a living being, given life and free to make my own choices in life” or something to that nature and just focus on that. A gift we can all take for granted, and know we all have this perspective, though you can’t actually look through the eyes of a stranger and see what their mind is like. Remember every brain is completely different, no one feels pain the same way, what you feel as pain another person feels it a different way and nobody’s mind works the same way. There are many things people do not stop and take the time to see what a great life they actually have. My life is amazing. My mother was a drug user and a hooker, abused us and left us home alone with strange men or without anyone there at all, we were all separated, my sister lived with her real dad, no one knows mine and I was lucky enough to not be sent to the orphanage and my grand parents took me in. I never met my brother or even seen my real mother since she tried to sell me. And all of that, it’s not a big deal. It happens to a lot of people, going through their own pain and suffering. Sure, I have the scars on me from the abuse, but they faded, I can hardly find the burn scar on my hand now. My life made me who I am and I’m proud of who I am. Sure I always wanted to know what it was like living in a happy home with biological parents. But I realized, my grandparents are my parents no matter what. I’ve called them mom and dad for as long as I can remember. This is no pity life story, just sharing some hard times to show that you can be happy no matter what life throws at you.

That, friends. Is what makes life beautiful. Realizing the good and doing what you can to change the bad. Just taking time to smile for all the good times. If 1 in 10 people did only one good deed every day, there would be a remarkable difference in the world. Just try to sit with a blind person and try to explain what a color looks like. Or standing up and realize some people will never be able to walk through out their lives. But that doesn’t mean their life sucks. Being grateful with what you do have is something I learned, and we should all be grateful for the good and the bad times and learn to work with what we were all given. The bad times make us feel alive, it reminds us how good it is to be happy. Now, I’m not very smart or very articulate but what I’m saying is, life is what you make of it and there is always a way to find happiness. No matter what darkness the world has shown before your eyes. Never let your pain cloud your judgement.

Why hemp/cannabis is the most amazing plant and the conspiracy to keep them both illegal.

Industrial hemp is a variety of Cannabis sativa and is of the same plant species as marijuana.
However, hemp is genetically different and distinguished by its use and chemical makeup. But hemp is largely misunderstood and deemed of misinformation by big business and government who have a vested interest in its prohibition. Hemp has been cultivated for over ten thousand years. The government and media solely speak ill of hemp, ignoring the many uses of hemp. For many years, high protein hemp seeds were used as food and in making hemp oil, which has been found to be richer in polyunsaturated fats than canola or soy and throughout the subcontinent it was a valuable medicine used to treat malaria, improve digestion, cure dysentery, increase mental power and heighten sexual potency. Even the bible speaks of hemp several times in the Old Testament; In Ezekiel 34:29, hemp (Kaneh) is called a “plant of reknown”. Few remember that between the American Revolution and the Second World War, hemp was one of our country’s most important agricultural crops. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew hemp on their plantations and both encouraged its widespread cultivation.
Just one acre of hemp can produce 300 gallons of fuel, 3 tons of protein and 30 tons of fiber.
Today, hemp can be used for cheap paper, helping to end deforestation and the Green House effect. Hemp can even be used for furniture, wicker, rope, clothes, cardboard, bags, cars, medicine, concrete and fuel so we no longer need to depend on fossil fuels. The hemp plant is a renewable resource that can be produced domestically and everything made from hemp is 100 percent biodegradable, it’s obviously very eco-friendly and can replace toxic petrochemical products. Need I say anymore why hemp is such an amazing plant? Probably not, but I will anyway.
Hemp is not exactly marijuana but both are amazing plants that should be legalized. However it does contain small amounts of THC, (not as much as marijuana) new research shows that small doses of TCH can benefit the heart, but a person would have to smoke or ingest A LOT of hemp to feel any high, and as mentioned in my previous posts about marijuana, it is also misunderstood and the media and government only focus on the few negatives while completely ignoring the insane amount of benefits.
The Declaration of Independence was drafted on hemp paper. Because hemp fiber is ten times stronger than cotton, it was traditionally made into twine, canvas and clothing. The sails for the USS Constitution, and nearly every other old sailing ship, were made of durable hemp fabric. Hemp can be used to make an astounding 25,000 different products, the fiber from hemp stalks can be used to make textiles for apparel, diapers, sheets, towels, tents, drapes, knapsacks and shoes. The first Levi’s jeans were made of hemp fibers which are longer, stronger, more lustrous, absorbent and mildew resistant than cotton.
In addition to salad oil, margarine and food supplements, hempseed oil has been used to make paint, varnish, ink, fuel, plastic resin, solvents and lubricating oils. It can also be used to make soap, shampoo, bath gels and cosmetics. Hempseed is the world’s second richest plant source of protein and is cheaper to cultivate than even soybeans. Hemp protein can be added to flour and animal feed instead of more expensive crops like soy and corn, thus creating more healthier red meats and poultry. Until the development of aspirin and barbiturates, cannabis was an important drug in the 18th and 19th centuries. It was used to treat rheumatism, ulcers, asthma, insomnia, migraine and other health problems, over 250 of them and is known to “turn off” cancer. Although information of its therapeutic value is ignored by the mainstream media, a growing number of physicians have investigated the medicinal values of hemp. The excellent book, Marihuana: the Forbidden Medicine, by Lester Grinspoon, M.D. and James B. Bakalar, discusses many of their findings. After numerous lawsuits on behalf of cancer patients, 35 states now permit hemp to be consumed primarily to counteract the nausea produced by cancer chemotherapy and AIDS drugs, just like marijuana can but the benefits of marijuana is supposedly more effective.
Hemp and marijuana has long been valued as a euphoric, uplifting and mind-expanding herb. A campaign organized by the Federal Bureau of Narcotics and supported by the alcohol, tobacco, petrochemical and paper industries during the 1930’s led the public to believe that hemp as addictive and caused “violent crimes and psychological and emotional degeneration.” Despite a number of scientific studies (including one undertaken in New York City by the LaGuardia administration which found no proof that major crime was associated with marijuana or that it caused aggressive or anti-social behavior) it was declared a dangerous drug by the Federal Government and outlawed in 1937, to this day the government still believes marijuana is more dangerous than cocain and heroin, stating it has no medical value.
While the abuse of mind-altering substances can be harmful, especially while driving or operating machinery, there have been no studies that have proven that smoking hemp/cannabis is either dangerous or addictive. A major study in Jamaica between 1968 and 1975, sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health (Vera Rubin and Lambros Comitas, Ganja in Jamaica: A Medical Anthropological Study of Chronic Marihuana Use: Anchor Books, NY, 1975), reported even regular smoking of ganja was “without deleterious social or psychological consequences” and found “no impairment of physiological, sensory and perceptual-motor performance, tests of concept formation, abstracting ability and cognitive style and tests of memory.” The study also debunked the theory that hemp/marijuana smoking leads the user to hard drugs like cocaine and heroin, since the use of hard drugs among working class Jamaicans is virtually unknown.
According to the United States Department of Agriculture, 10,000 acres planted in hemp will yield as much paper as 40,000 acres planted in trees, and requires far less caustic chemicals in its manufacture than paper from wood pulp. Its potential use as an environmentally-friendly source of paper, including corrugated boxes, computer paper and stationery, as well as paperboard and particle board for furniture and housing construction, is enormous. Even if 1917 technology to process hemp into pulp were used today, hemp could replace about 70 percent of all wood pulp produced by paper mills.
Coal and petrochemicals originally received their energy from the sun millions of years ago and stored energy as the plants decayed. When burned, they release pollutants into the atmosphere. Biomass fuel, on the other hand, releases fewer pollutants and the fuel source spends the growing season removing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere through photosynthesis. Hemp is the world’s champion photosynthesizer converting solar energy into biomass more efficiently than almost any other plant. Hemp has at least four times the biomass/cellulose potential of corn or kneaf. It can also compete economically with petroleum-based fuels, without depleting the ozone layer. During World War II, Henry Ford even developed a car that could run on hemp-based fuel.
That basically sums it all up, hemp is one, if not, the best plant in the world and I honestly believe it is some sort of conspiracy by the government to somehow benefit them, why do I think that? I’ll explain, when powerful businesses don’t like something, they can usually get something done about it. The 1937 criminalization of marijuana is a case where this manipulation is obvious. Hemp threatens certain powerful businesses today, just as it did in 1937.
As the methods for processing hemp into paper and plastics were becoming more readily available and affordable, business leaders including William Randolph Hearst and DuPont stood to lose fortunes. They did everything in their power to have it outlawed. Luckily for Hearst, he was the owner of a chain of newspapers. DuPont’s chief financial backer Andrew Mellon (also the Secretary of the Treasury during President Hoover) was responsible for appointing Harry J. Anslinger, in 1931 as the head of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. Hearst’s papers deplorably published enhanced accounts of marijuana-crazed black men raping white women. With these sensationalist newspaper stories as his support, Anslinger testified before Congress that, “Marijuana is the most violence causing drug in the history of mankind”, so it became illegal because of lies and greed. Ironically more African Americans are ten times more likely to arrested for drug abuse although just as many whites abuse drugs, and marijuana is the most common “drug”, if marijuana and hemp were legalized, it would take more than 70% of people out of jail and federal prison and cut deeply into the profits and violence of Mexican drug lords. Does anyone know how violent they really are? It is common to find be-headed/dismembered bodies in middle of the plain streets in Mexico. An example is of two people that were somehow connected to a Drug Lord and apparently did something to displease him/them, so they skinned their faces off while alive and tortured them and were of course, found dead tied to chairs. The War on Drugs has been a complete failure, it spends more money to keep it prohibited and it’s failing dramatically and may I remind you, it’s tax payer money that the government uses meaning, you pay to put people in jail for having a harmless herb.
So if my post here changed your views on hemp/marijuana, the best thing you can do to support it is to tell people about it, share information that has been learned about all of the benefits of marijuana and hemp, although many now support the legalization, hardly enough are aware of it’s true value. If you feel very strongly about the legalization like I do, a lot can be done, email or write senators and your representatives, keep up on its news and research etc.
But that’s all I have to say about it, thank you to all who reads this.

Cancer.

This cubicle is so cold and the sky is still gray.
And the sorrow and pain increases with each passing day.

Oh, how I miss the joys of summer and playing.
But by the looks of the results, it looks like I might be staying.

I had just turned three.
But you need to know, the world will go on without me.

All I can hear is the sound of the machine.
And watching more results light up on the screen.

Mommy keeps telling me that I will soon improve.
But oh, how it hurts to even move.

All of the nurses happily come in and try to make me smile.

But they’re the ones hiding behind denial.

I hate to see my mommy cry.
I want her to know that I’m not afraid to die.

Even if I don’t make it through,
you should know that the hardest part is leaving you.

I don’t know if I’ll live to see sixteen or one day marry,
but mommy this isn’t a burden for you to carry.

My skin has grown pale and all my hair is missing.
But I still smile from the memories and reminiscing.

I don’t need to be afraid because my mommy is here.
But why my life must end so shortly is still unclear.

It came a little early but this is my death.
The pain is fading, so I take my final breath.

There’s so many questions no one can answer,
but maybe one day, there will be a cure for cancer.

Once again, I have returned

I should stop disappearing like this. Anyway, I should be back for good now, I had a few laptop issues but my thought process hasn’t stopped and I intend to write about the thoughts I’ve had lately on some theories I’ve created on life.
It’s hard to believe it’s been 5 months since my dog has passed away, still hanging on but loose it every now and again, Rosco is doing well, unfortunately he is getting neutered on April 2nd. It’s a little embarrassing, but he has something called Paraphimosis, if curious, look it up because I’m too embarrassed to explain it. I never wanted him to get neutered, it just seems mean, no? But it’s for the best, apparently.
Anyway, after Google Chrome refused to load this site for about 4 months, I finally decided to get Firefox, so here I am, and I’m so glad to be back, reading and writing posts.
I’ve also decided to become a zoologist, and I’ll be moving soon so there may be one more time I’ll disappear for a little while, but I’ll be able to give a heads-up this time.

And FYI I’ll be playing a fun prank on my dad tomorrow, when he wakes up, I’ll speak nothing without using a country accent and claim I’ve been this way all of my life and he’s just going crazy, mama is on it. I’ll let you know what happens.
And dear Rich, it seems your last email to me has gone missing, please message me again if you wish to still chat. (: